My New Year’s Resolution Changed My Relationship with Alcohol

I thought I was just being a lightweight

The more I drank, the worse it became. | Photo by the author

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I never thought I was addicted to alcohol, or at least not in the way we imagine alcoholics. It was only through a New Year’s resolution of abstinence that I changed my mind.

I never drank at home, when alone or in the mornings. I never built up a high tolerance or drank regularly. It was only at social gatherings that I had no self-control.

Drinking has always been synonymous with socialising, after all. Whether at the pub or family gatherings, the adults I grew up around always drank regularly.

I had my first cider when I was 11 at a Christmas Eve party, and the more available it became with age, the more I drank. For my introverted self, who was insecure and anxious to be liked, I became dependent on alcohol to remove my inhibitions. It turned the noise down on an overstimulating environment and an incessant internal critic.

But the more I drank, the worse it became. When I was 20, I drank half a bottle of rum before a night out. The last thing I remember is leaving the house and walking into town with friends.

I regained consciousness around 5am — 8 hours later — still wasted, in the…