4B in America? Probably Not
At least not in an intentional, coordinated way
In the wake of the election, there has been a lot of conversation about the growing gender divide in this country. Particularly, I keep seeing articles about the potential for American women to have their own version of the .
In addition to discussion of 4B (which calls for no dating, no sex, no marriage, no kids), I have seen articles and posts talking about other variations on “sex strikes,” even citing historical examples of such things. Sex strikes can be, and have been, an effective way for women to demand change.
Judging by the comments on these articles though, I’m not the only one who is skeptical about the likelihood of that happening here. Frankly, I don’t think people, regardless of gender, who are lucky enough to find a good partner that they’re happy with should feel pressured to forego that relationship.
But whether or not it’s a good idea, I think our current social landscape lacks the cohesion for a coordinated effort like that. I think there is too much, if not opposition, then apathy for American women to act together in this way to demand, for example, the reinstatement of abortion rights.
Our diminishing ability, over the last couple decades, to effect change with our has eroded our confidence in the potential of collective action. People don’t vote because they don’t think it will matter, and I expect joining a large-scale, organized movement might feel too similar to attract participation and commitment. That’s a discussion for another article, though.
But here’s the thing that I think gets missed in the skepticism about these movements: just because most women aren’t inspired to declare their abstinence as a grand political gesture, doesn’t mean the political landscape isn’t affecting their behavior.
Trump supporters can’t get a date
Here’s a trend we’ve been seeing for a while now: conservative men are having a getting dates on dating apps.
The first Trump election cycle was dominated by talk of his treatment of women. From his known infidelities, credible accusations of sexual assault, and the infamous “grab them by the p*ssy” quote, the idea of having him in power made a lot of women uncomfortable.
The idea that the men around us might be okay with it also made women uncomfortable.
For women navigating the dating scene, learning that a potential partner is a Trump supporter definitely sets off alarm bells that he might have Trump-like opinions and behaviors toward women.
A woman who unmatches a Trump supporter on Hinge isn’t doing it to punish him, she’s doing it because she worries he might not be a good guy to date.
Might she be wrong? Yes. But it’s also prudent to wonder whether a guy who isn’t bothered by sexual assault might be dangerous in the same way. Let’s not forget that women still face very real in the dating world.
Relationships are dropping on the priority list
More and more women in the younger generations are deprioritizing relationships altogether. and have been steadily declining for a while.
Now that women have their own careers and money, being single long term is an option in a way that it didn’t used to be. It’s also not nearly as stigmatized now. While attitudes vary, and digs at “childless cat ladies” are still being thrown around, women themselves often do not fear this fate the way they once did.
Of course it’s sad to end up alone if you’re someone who hoped to find a partner, but more and more women are coming to the conclusion that it would be better to have no partner than a bad one. And with greater independence comes new standards for what constitutes a “bad” partner.
While attitudes vary, and digs at “childless cat ladies” are still being thrown around, women themselves often do not fear this fate the way they once did
Certainly it includes violent or abusive men, but in the wake of the “having it all” feminism of the 90s, it also includes men who don’t help with the housework and cooking. While women have taken on equal work outside the home, men stepped up to do equal work in the home. For some men this isn’t just a shortcoming, but a deliberate refusal to accept a loosening of gender roles.
For women who grew up seeing their mothers work full time jobs and then come home to full time housekeeping and child-rearing, with little or no help from their husbands, this relationship dynamic is just not very appealing. A refusal to date a man who won’t cook or clean isn’t a political statement, it’s just an easy choice.
As young women and young men trend more conservative, the likelihood of meeting someone you align with politically is steadily shrinking.
There’s an increasingly vocal conservative cohort in America who, having already repealed abortion rights, are now setting their sights on , , and even a . And with the rise of the and its virulent and dangerous misogynistic belief systems, women are becoming, by necessity, even more careful and suspicious in their screening of potential partners. It’s crazy that we’ve gotten to this point, but as a women you never know when the man you’re talking to secretly thinks you should be practically and legally to him.
While still a small minority, the increasing popularity and visibility of views like these have a lot of women feeling worried and unsure of the men in their lives.
Women are becoming, by necessity, even more careful and suspicious in their screening of potential partners
You can probably imagine (at least try to) that even for women who want to date, this is an exhausting environment in which to do it. It takes a toll to be constantly vigilant, and talking about it often leads to angry backlash, not just from the misogynistic men, but also from well-meaning men who are upset to be caught in the margin of error, rejected by women who have to rely on gut instinct and imperfect “red flags” to try to stay safe.
So while I don’t think we will see a deliberate “strike” in America, I do think our political gender divide will lead to … less dating. Less sex. Less marriage. For women, “political” issues like abortion access and no-fault divorce have a very real impact on their safety and independence. With or without a coordinated movement, a lot of women just aren’t going to feel as comfortable with dating and relationships, and that will probably be felt both personally and statistically in the coming years.
Let me know what you think.
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