Spontaneous Journaling #4: Building Resilience
Setting healthy boundaries to boost well-being
“We can show empathy for others without suppressing our joy” — Nova Reid
My younger self used to struggle with setting boundaries. I constantly said “yes” even though I really wanted to scream “no”. I thought that if I refused them, I felt like an arsehole and they would hate me. I was thinking more about others than myself.
One day, my friend asked me to accompany her in her affairs. Then I said “yes”, meanwhile I had the afternoon lecture. So I skipped the lecture to go with her. I wanted to say no, but I couldn’t if I tried. After that moment, I felt regret. Why must I sacrifice for her and ignore my affairs? Would she do the same thing for me? Was it right? Or was it wrong?
Another day, one of my friends called me up in the early morning while I was doing my thesis. He invited me hanging out at the beach with four other friends, but two of them I didn’t recognize. Without further ado, I answered “yes” — again and again. I didn’t consider things that might be possible to make me regret. And yeah, I regret it again. I was uncomfortable with strangers. It drained my energy, and I couldn’t enjoy the view.
I often fail to set and communicate my boundaries with others. If I say “no”, I am worrying about them. Will it make them sad or disappointed? Is it okay? Do they really need me? So, I don’t wanna disappoint them. I will do it even though I must suppress my joy.
On the other side, if I say “yes”, I will regret it. If I had refused, I would have been able to do my tasks. If I had refused, I would not have spent my allowance beyond my budget. If I refused, I would not have drained my energy.
I slowly recognize something that was beyond my mind before. When people ask for my help, do they think about me? such as Is it okay if I need your help, Ifa? Or am I bothering you? If yes, it’s okay. Don’t force yourself.
If people really care about you, they will never force you to do something that neglects your joy and comfort. They will accept your rejection. After many “yes” in the past, I am eventually brave enough to say “no”. Now I will try not to hesitate to say “no”. I will help someone if I can. I don’t let anyone interfere with my voice. I learn to protect myself by setting clear boundaries and not letting anyone take advantage of my kindness.
Life is like a puzzle, arranged from pieces by identifying patterns and finding a logical solution. The puzzle doesn’t have a specific pattern. Sometimes we put the wrong puzzle together and question ourselves about what makes it wrong. Then, we use our ingenuity and instinct to solve that riddle. It’s not just one trial, we need several trials to achieve the correct arrangement.
No one who never gets things wrong. But because of the risk of failure, I can build my resilience. I can protect myself by setting healthy boundaries. And now here I am with my younger and older self.
