Is My Sensitive Child Autistic? A Gentle Guide for Wondering Parents

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By the time my daughter was four, I had already Googled phrases like “sensitive kid melts down easily,” “extreme picky eating in preschooler,” and “child will only play if she can make the rules.”

What I didn’t realize then — but do now, as a late-diagnosed autistic and ADHD adult raising two neurodivergent kids — is that these weren’t just scattered quirks. They were part of a larger neurodivergent pattern, a different way of sensing, thinking, and interacting with the world.

If you’re reading this, you might be where I was: quietly wondering if your child is autistic. You’re not sure. You don’t want to claim a name that doesn’t fit. But you also don’t want to miss something important.

This post is for you.

First, a gentle reset

Before we get into signs, let me offer a small reframe:

The ultimate goal here isn’t to diagnose your child. The goal is to better understand them so you can love and support them the way they need.

We live in a society that often stigmatizes neurodivergence—that prioritizes social conformity over authentic expression. In a context that pathologizes neurodivergence, diagnosis doesn’t necessarily lead to greater understanding or better support for your child and family.

A neurodivergent child isn’t a problem to be defined and then fixed. They have a different neurotype — a different kind of brain —that comes with a unique set of strengths, challenges, and needs. Our job as parents is to learn about the child in front of us, so we can show up for them as they are.

Diagnosis from a neuroaffirming provider can be incredibly helpful at validating our instincts, addressing lingering questions, and opening the doors to certain support systems. But you don’t need a formal diagnosis to begin noticing neurodivergent patterns or making small shifts that help your child thrive.

What to notice: Common signs that a sensitive kid is autistic

Every autistic child is different, and figuring out who meets diagnostic criteria is as much of an (evolving) art as it is an (evolving) science. This is especially the case for children who are sensitive, verbal, curious, and eager to connect but who struggle in ways that aren’t always obvious.

Here are some common signs parents often notice:

• Sensory sensitivities: Your child may be particularly bothered by sounds, textures, lights, smells, or tastes. They might cover their ears at loud noises, refuse to eat certain foods, or hate having their hair brushed. Conversely, they may particularly love the feel of a specific fabric, seek out tight hugs and heavy pressure, or crave the intense proprioceptive input of jumping up and down or crashing into the sofa.
• Emotional intensity and regulation challenges: They may have big feelings — excitement, frustration, fear, sadness — and struggle to regulate or recover from emotional upsets. This often shows up as long or intense tantrums or meltdowns, especially after school or in unfamiliar settings. It can also look like shrieking with delight at the prospect of something nice but fairly routine, such as getting ice cream or having a friend over (though the delight may be replaced by anxiety once the friend actually arrives!).
• Rigid thinking or routines: They might need things to happen in a certain order or way and get upset by changes or surprises. Autistic kids may want you to drive to preschool the same way each day. They might struggle when a relative drops by the house, even if they’ve met the relative many times prior. Birthdays and holidays might be particularly challenging, especially if there are lots of new foods, people, places, and schedules involved.
• Social differences: They may prefer parallel play, one-on-one friendships, or structured interactions rather than large, chaotic groups. You might hear them described as “in their own world” or “off doing their own thing.” Many intellectually gifted autistic kids prefer talking to adults rather than similarly aged peers.
• Special interests or deep focus: Autistic children might become deeply absorbed in particular topics or hobbies, talking about them in great detail and sometimes struggling to switch gears. These topics or hobbies need not be “odd.” In fact, recent research into the “special interests” of autistic youth found that the most common interests are things like TV shows, music, animals, and art. What tends to be less typical is the intensity of the interest.

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• Communication differences: Some autistic kids have less common speech patterns (very formal, very blunt, or unusually adult-like) or difficulty understanding social cues like sarcasm or indirect requests. Note that this can be tricky to distinguish from intellectual giftedness, especially when it comes to adult-like speech.
• Masking or camouflaging: Especially in girls and more socially sensitive kids, you might notice that they “hold it together” all day at school but fall apart the moment they get home.

It’s worth knowing that many neurodivergent traits overlap. Your child might show signs of ADHD, learning differences, sensory processing differences, or anxiety alongside or instead of autism. That’s okay. You don’t need to figure it all out today.

It also might be tricky for you to identify certain autistic traits in your child if you’re a lot alike. We know from ample research that autism is hereditary and runs in families. Many of us parents of autistic kids end up realizing that we, too, are autistic. Food for thought!

Where to go from here

If you’re starting to wonder whether your child might be on the autism spectrum:

• Observe gently: Take note of patterns over time. If you think you might pursue an evaluation at some point, it can be helpful to look into checklists of behaviors and traits that fit into the DSM-V’s diagnostic criteria for autism. developed by Dr. Megan Anna Neff, a neurodiversity-affirming psychologist who specializes in autism and ADHD.
• Talk with your child: Even young kids can help you understand what feels hard or overwhelming. It can be particularly illuminating to gently explore whether they feel any confusion or frustration when trying to navigate social situations.
• Seek community: Find other parents on this journey — online or locally — who can help normalize what you’re experiencing. In my earliest days of exploring the possibility of neurodivergence for my kids, I read countless Reddit threads from parents describing interesting, complex children. Sometimes, they sounded like mine; other times, I couldn’t relate at all. That compare-and-contrast process honed my understanding of my own kids. I got better at describing them—their strengths, their needs—with teachers and medical providers, not to mention my family and close friends. And I picked up very helpful tips for how to support kids like them, saving me time and effort down the road.
• Consider a formal evaluation if you think it would open doors to support or services. There are some excellent neurodiversity-affirming providers out there, and I highly recommend finding one—not only because you want this to be a positive and healthy experience for your child and family, but also because, in my experience, these providers have more extensive and up-to-date information about the autism neurotype. There’s nothing worse than shelling out precious time and money, only to realize that your child’s diagnosis (or lack therof) is based on faulty, outdated research!

Our parenting job is clear

Here’s what I wish someone had told me when I was first wondering about all this neurodiversity stuff:

Our job as parents isn’t to arrive at definitive answers. We don’t need to rush into labeling or “fixing.” Our job is to watch, learn, and love the children we have.

That doesn’t mean writing everything off as sensitivity—far from it. We owe it to our kids to really explore the possibility of their neurodivergence. If they fit the bill, we need to adapt our parenting to support them as best we can.

If you want to explore this more, you’re welcome to follow along here. I write regularly about parenting sensitive, intense, and beautifully neurodivergent kids—and being a neurodivergent adult myself. We’re in this together. 💛