An Open Letter to the Demonic Entity That Was Hovering Above the Walmart-Purchased Ouija Board I Drunkenly Set on Fire in My Backyard Last Weekend
Dear Formless Spirit,
I would like to take this time to say I’m sorry I decided to set a cheaply purchased item from Walmart that I was no longer happy with on fire last weekend.
What can I really say here? It was Friday night, and there were no new messages on my dating profile.
Any logical person under those desperate circumstances would have consumed a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon before setting something on fire. Right?
Well, that’s what I did.
There didn’t seem to be any problem with the item sitting quietly in my bedroom for a few days completely ignored and unused. Life was normal.
However, I got the subtle notion you became aggravated after I poured a bucket of Whiskey all over it and then burned it with a lit match at exactly 3:00 am while the Moon was shining as I was naked.
Would soberly throwing it in the trash bin and patiently waiting for the garbage truck to haul it away a few days later have been a wiser choice?
Yeah. Maybe.
And did I really need to drown myself in a sea of alcohol while rubbing the planchette all over my testicles as the alphabet letters folded inward and crumbled amidst the engulfing flames?
Probably not!
Initially, I thought it was a harmless act until I saw bluish-green vapors rise from the smoke and begin circling my house.
There was also something about the lights flickering on and off repeatedly throughout my humble dwelling indicating that I may have made a pour (excuse me, poor) decision.
Can we just agree to get over this without my kitchen cabinets flying open repeatedly as knives and meat-tenderizers hover directly above the couch I usually pass out on after consuming a whole bunch of Everclear?
I hope you’re not feeling burned about all of this. In my defense, I was board. Ha Ha Ha. Get it! “Board.”
Please make the upside-down chair that keeps spinning around rapidly in my downstairs living room stop! It’s disturbing.
Sincerely,
The Guy Who Set You on Fire Because Nobody Was Responding on E-Harmony.com.
PS: If it makes any difference, I’ve recently talked to an AA counselor and several therapists who all fully agree that I should no longer buy anything at Walmart.
