Mother’s Day Cards For Shitty Mothers
Tell it like it is.
Outside: A Mother’s Day card for the best mom a kid could ever have…
Inside: Please give it to Mrs. Lee next door.
Outside: This Mother’s Day, I want to finally reciprocate all you’ve done for me.
Inside: So I’m going to criticize your hairstyle and ask if you’ve put on weight.
Outside: It’s Mother’s Day! Have a boozy breakfast!
Inside: Because why should this be unlike any other day of the week?
Outside: I wasn’t sure if I should send you a Mother’s Day card…
Inside: But there’s no Sociopath’s Day.
Outside: Weather forecast for Mother’s Day?
Inside: Partly sunny with a 100% chance of you being a total drama queen.
Outside: I wanted to give you something totally new this Mother’s Day.
Inside: But it turns out you can’t mail a human heart.
Outside: What do you have in common with Mother Teresa, o’ Mother mine?
Inside: The nose. That’s it.
Outside: Happy Mothers Day!
Inside: I’m being the bigger person here and not holding a grudge that you never remember my birthday and also you owe me $2400 dollars and I’m pretty sure you’re the one who keyed my car.
Outside: People like to say, “You can never replace your mother!”
Inside: All I’m saying is sleep with one eye open, bitch.
Outside: What’s the best thing about having a mother like you?
Inside: I anticipate it will be dancing on your grave.
Outside: When I think back to all the wonderful things you’ve done for me, Mother…
Inside: I realize I’m actually thinking of Clair Huxtable. She was awesome.
Outside: This Mother’s Day, I’m treating you to a day at the planetarium.
Inside: So we can clarify once and for all that the universe doesn’t actually revolve around you.
Outside: Thinking of you on Mother’s Day, and wishing we were closer.
Inside: Psych!
Outside: There are so many wonderful things that mothers can do.
Inside: Sadly, most of them take place outside prison.
Outside: If you think I’m celebrating Mother’s Day, you’re nuts.
Inside: Ah that’s right, you are nuts.
Outside: What did the adult child of the narcissistic mother say to the narcissistic mother on Mother’s Day?
Inside: [blank]
Susan M. Clarke is an Emmy-nominated writer in New York City.
