Member-only story
Yes, I Am a Trans Lesbian
I thought I wanted men — what I really wanted was to be seen
I am a transgender lesbian.
But the realization of my sexuality didn’t come in a flash or a dramatic encounter. It came quietly, while I was writing. I was working on an essay — something meant to be about healing and recovery — and I found myself circling around memories I’d long since buried: the short-lived relationships I’d had with men.
And then it hit me. Those experiences were never really about the men themselves — not about who they were, or what we might have wanted from each other. They were about how I wanted to feel. About how, in certain moments, their attention made me feel more like a woman. For a while, that was enough — or at least, it felt like it had to be.
It wasn’t attraction — not really. It was something closer to validation. I’ve written before about how, for a certain period of my life, being desired became a stand-in for self-worth. Most of the time, it didn’t even matter who the desire came from.
Looking back now, it’s clear — I wasn’t desiring men. I was desiring recognition. Womanhood, reflected in their gaze. But even that was complicated. I was too feminine for most gay men, and too “man-looking” for straight ones. Caught between roles I didn’t belong to, and those I…
