As A Bereaved Mother Curiosity Has Saved My Life

I am growing with my grief

June — photo by author

My daughter June died from neuroblastoma three years ago on March 13th. As I tally the last three years, I don’t allow for my brain to penetrate the often devastating, hopeless existence it has been on many days.

Today, instead of adding up the relentlessly difficult days, I admire the threads of hope and purpose I have intentionally collected since June died.

I weave the threads together. They are symbols of strength, meaning, and resilience. Three things which have helped me to normalize and integrate the absolute unthinkable into my life.

Please know, my toddler dying of cancer will never be ‘normal’. There are days I still wake up wondering, is this really my life? Despite great efforts to heal my nervous system, I am regularly shocked back into the state of flight or fight.

By focusing on my cultivated strength, I choose how I will live in the days ahead. I take back a little control. Instead of pushing June’s death away, I weave it with my reclaimed loom into the coarse linen of my life. Perhaps, by not judging the events that have unfolded, and therefore, not seeing my existence as a horrible, ruined mess, I can remain curious and hopeful. Likely, you wonder what curiosity could come from losing a child to…