The Barbie Monologue, in Other Movies

It’s impossible to be

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Harry Potter

It is literally impossible to be a wizard. You are so talented, so magical, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough to defeat Voldemort. Like, how is he not dead yet?

Lord of the Rings

You have to carry the ring, but not wear the ring. And you can never say you want to carry the ring. You have to carry the ring to destroy it, but you’re not supposed to want to wear the ring. How fucked up is that?

Avatar

You have to be blue, but not too blue, and you can never say you want to be extra blue. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also blue.

The Wolf of Wall Street

You have to get their money, but you can’t ask for their money because that’s crass. You have to run a business, but you can’t violate FTC guidelines. Sad!

Mommie Dearest

You’re supposed to love being a mother. I don’t.

The Devil Wears Prada

You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people, so you can steal their spot at Paris Fashion Week. My bad!

The Matrix

Never forget that the system is rigged.

[The author

Writing satires is too hard! Nobody gives me a medal or says thank you! I’m just so tired of watching people wasting time caring about what other people think. Womanhood or Barbiedom–it’s all easy when you don’t give a fuck.]

Jurassic Park

GRAAAAAAAR!!!!