My 4 Pubs Are So Empty That The Mice Are Asking Me for Jobs

I have 4 pubs. What? You didn’t know I had pubs? Well, now you do. But no, they’re not the kind of pubs with pints of beer and live music. My pubs are entirely virtual. And before you get the wrong idea, no, they’re not places where you can get drunk (unless you get drunk on the ideas I write). They’re more like literary spaces where I’m the only owner and writer. In theory, there should be clients, but turns out they’re emptier than my bank account after I buy 500 coffees to write.

Seriously, these pubs are so empty that the mice are asking me for jobs. And I’m not joking. The last time, one left me a resume. A mouse! I don’t know whether to laugh or feel a little embarrassed about my lack of success. The worst part is that it listed “experience in chewing wires” as its strength. Who the heck would hire a mouse? Well, maybe me at this rate. Because at the pace I’m going, the rodents are the only ones interested in what I do.

Anyway, I’m still here, writing, publishing, and hoping that someone (anyone who isn’t a mouse) will decide to join my pubs. I’ve tried everything: I put up posters, I’ve offered virtual coffee (which you can’t drink, but it seems to work), and I’ve even made promises like “It’ll be fun, I swear.” But nope. The mice are still the only ones showing any interest. Sometimes I wonder if they should be the ones hiring me.

The funny thing is, even though my pubs are empty, I still have fun. It’s kind of like having a party where you’re the…