That’s okay, I think writing “rejected @ reductress” is a funnier Twitter bio anyway…

White Neighbour “Just Reminding You” That He Voted for Obama

Each time this BIPOC woman leaves her house, her neighbour sprints out onto his front steps to remind her that he voted for Obama. Twice! “We get it, Martin, you’re a centrist.” “This is not what we meant when we asked for reparations.”

How to Still Be a Kickass Feminist Even Though You Expect Men to Lift Your Suitcase Into the Overhead Compartment for You

A woman describes her struggle with trying to support the feminist movement while still benefiting from the parts of the patriarchy that she actually likes. “Look- I’m all for the feminist movement, but I draw the line when it starts to affect me personally”. “It’s just a biological fact that I have tiny widdle baby arms and I need a big stwong man to help me wift my cawwy-on.”

QUIZ: Does He Love You Back or Does He Just Want You to Watch His Stuff Real Quick?

How to figure out whether your man is making eyes at you because he wants to get married and have four sets of identical triplets, or if he’s sizing you up to see if you’ll guard his laptop while he takes a piss. “Question one: when his eyes nervously dart to and fro from the bathroom to your face, is it, like, in a longing lusty way?” “Question two: are there 14 empty cups of coffee in front of him?”

Teen Who Threw Tear Gas at Police Too Afraid to Ask Which Aisle Milk Is In

Article focusing on a teen who grabbed a canister of tear gas during a riot and lobbed it into the face of a police officer, only to go home milk-less after an intense bout of social anxiety at the grocery store. “When asked to comment, the teen merely replied, ‘ACAB. I’d do it again. Anyway, could you ask the waiter for more ketchup please? If I try to do it I’ll spontaneously combust.”

How to Find Love Even If You Wear Natural Deodorant

A woman who just made the switch to all-natural deodorant begins to realize that people are suddenly giving her an especially wide berth. “Try wearing layers and refusing to take them off! Sure you’ll be sweaty and look like a freak, but at least you won’t smell like if Victoria’s Secret body spray could rot.”

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Rejectress Submission (Anika Hundal) was originally published in Humor Darling on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.