Grief Doesn’t Follow a Script

The myth of how to mourn.

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Grief is a territory we will all walk through while doing our very best to avoid. As a human, it is inevitable. Different cultures hold grief quite differently, and even within the same culture, generations express their grief in different ways.

I have facilitated support groups for people who are grieving both after the loss of someone they love and in anticipation of the loss. One thing I have learned that no one tells you is that there are innumerable ways for people to feel and express grief.

One theory holds that there are two basic approaches to grieving: intuitive and instrumental. Intuitive grievers are more traditional. They are people who express sadness, cry, and perhaps withdraw. This is the type of grieving that most people expect, and if you aren’t doing it this way, something is “wrong.”

Instrumental grievers lean into action. They are people who turn their grief into advocacy. I think of the parents of some of the kids who have been killed in school shootings. They show up on YouTube as part of Sandy Hook Promise to raise awareness of the cause they never wanted but are connected to now into perpetuity. Yet, this is only the start of how variable grief may be.

Each loss is unique, so how we grieve will vary depending on who or what we lose. The fact…