Hi, My Name’s Jordan and I’m an Alcoholic

How did I get here?

Photo by on

“Hi, my name is Jordan and I’m an alcoholic.”

I keep running that line through my head, fumbling for an anchor. I’m standing in front of a group of strangers with my heart thumping and a strange, shaky calm in my voice.

My palms sweat.

My mind drifts.

I don’t really know where to begin. Or maybe, truthfully, I just don’t want to say the words out loud. Not yet.

I’m not even sure I’d classify myself as an alcoholic. Is that denial? Defensiveness?

I want there to be a box I can check that says “Not That Bad.”

But here I am, sitting in this circle, and if I peel away the layers of excuses and rationalizations I’ve stacked up, I know something’s wrong.

I need to change. I need to change my drinking habits.

What Led Me Here

Should I start with what led me through those doors tonight? With the decision that maybe AA could help me fix what nothing else has touched? I guess that’s the part I’m still sorting out.

The last few months — I’d say they’ve been rough, but honestly, that feels too gentle. Like calling a hurricane “unpleasant weather.”