Uncle Sam Wants You… To Reproduce

Inside America’s Half-Assed Attempt to Boost the Population

I was scrolling through my news feed a few days ago when I saw that the White House is considering offering to women who give birth.

Holy shit!

FINALLY!

A solution that addresses the real reason Americans aren’t having kids:
We just weren’t being bribed with pocket change.

Once upon a time, having children was complicated. People considered ridiculous luxuries like “stable housing,” “healthcare that doesn’t bankrupt you,” and “being able to afford food.”

But now?

The administration has cracked the fucking code. It turns out that all Americans needed was approximately 1.8% of the total cost of raising a child to adulthood.

Meanwhile, Elon Musk is out there creating his own population boom with a harem of baby mamas spanning tech executives, musicians, and employees.

Maybe instead of the $5,000 baby bonus, the government should just distribute Musk’s sperm nationwide like some fucked-up stimulus package.

“Congratulations, you’ve been selected for the National Strategic Reproduction Reserve! Here’s a turkey baster and some…