Mother, May I have Another F*cking Month

Mayday! Mayday! We’ve lost control of the calendar

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May has always been a cry for help. I’ve sneezed through April in a blur before it comes charging in — not quite spring, not quite summer — like a purgatory of obligations, bugs, and social expectations dressed up as “seasonal joy.” May is the month that tries to convince you to host a barbecue, plan a vacation, attend five graduations, plant a garden, and process a complicated relationship with your mother — all while pretending your seasonal depression has magically disappeared. Spoiler: it hasn’t.

Worst Things About May

1. Mother’s Day Guilt Parade

Whether your mom’s a saint, a narcissist, or a ghost, Mother’s Day is a psychological minefield. Card aisles turn into therapy flashbacks. Bouquets assault you at every store entrance, even Home Depot, where signs ignore the massive price hike, bestowing shame on those who pass blooms in the prime of their life. Instagram becomes a war zone of adults pretending their moms never traumatized them, smiling over brunch spreads that cost a small fortune. And whatever you do this month will be judged next month when it’s Dad’s turn, so choose your emotional labor budget wisely.