Who Wants To Be An American? A Gameshow & Satire
The American Dream, Now in Game Show Form
NYT reports the Department of Homeland Security is considering a citizenship-based reality show. Either the DHS is serious, or they’re just messing with us. Then again, it’s America — so maybe both.
If it is a gameshow — We’ll check out my concept. Oh, and I’d be happy to host.
Welcome to Who Wants to Be an American?!
The only game show where contestants must prove their mental, physical, and educational fitness to earn U.S. citizenship.
No, this is not a Black Mirror episode.
This is America — brought to you by the producers of chaos and irony.
The Premise
Each week, brave contestants from around the world compete in real American challenges — not fantasy, not metaphor.
Actual trials faced by U.S. citizens every day.
If they can survive and thrive, they’ll be deemed fit for citizenship in the greatest show on Earth: the United States of America. Where your land is my land, and my land is definitely still my land — from sea to shining sea.
What Doesn’t Count as a Challenge
Let’s clear something up.
Contestants won’t be tested on:
- Securing housing in cities with skyrocketing rent
- Finding a living-wage job
- Accessing affordable education
- Breathing clean air or avoiding microplastics in your brain
- Finding truthful media
- Safe air travel
- Managing a chronic illness
- Affording groceries
- Affording healthcare
- Affording retirement
- Affording gas to drive to your job to log in and meet with everyone over the internet
These are just normal parts of the American experience — not game show material.
This Week’s Episode: Florida Edition
By popular demand, this week’s competition takes us to the most patriotic swamp in the union: Florida.
Where the weather is naturally extreme, and freedom comes in the shape of flip-flops and open carry permits.
Florida Challenges Include:
The Black Friday Dash
Contestants must battle hundreds of fellow freedom-seekers in a retail arena to secure a 40-inch flat-screen TV.
Bonus points for speed, agility, and minimal trampling.
The Hot Dog Eating Gauntlet
Participants compete to consume as many gas station hot dogs as possible while fending off heatstroke and existential dread.
Condiments optional.
Truck Flag & Bumper Sticker Decor
Who can deck out their truck with the most patriotic flags?
Flag size and number may receive bonus points. God bless.
Curriculum Dodgeball
Contestants must dodge facts at lightning speed while rewriting high school textbooks on the fly.
Points awarded for replacing “climate change” with “weather vibes.”
Storm Prep Speedrun
A hurricane is 12 hours away.
Your power’s already out. The Publix is empty.
You have one tank of gas, no flashlight batteries, and a neighbor named Randy who insists, “It’ll blow over.”
Go.
Alligator Golf Showdown
Contestants attempt to tee off on one of Florida’s most coveted golf courses.
Franky, the local alligator, eyes your ball from one foot away. Good luck.
The Grand Finale:
Bath Salt Smoking Competition
Because why not
Coming Soon…
Future episodes of Who Wants to Be an American?! will take place in other regional dreamscapes, such as:
California:
Where contestants must navigate progressive ideals, unaffordable rent, and wildfire smoke — all while maintaining a side hustle, preparing the most over-the-top-elaborate-costume for Coachella, and a TikTok presence (which they still use religiously — just don’t ask who saved the app).
Rhode Island:
Contestants will participate in car collisions without wearing seatbelts so they can experience our true national value: Live free or die!
Nevada:
Where the only path to citizenship is winning big at a slot machine.
Final Thoughts
If you thought the immigration process was wild before, wait until you see it on primetime.
Join Tuesdays at 6:30 PM EST on all major networks to witness the bravery, brawn, and absurdity.
Because in America, citizenship is no longer a right.
It’s a ratings opportunity.
This work is a satire. All references to companies, government agencies, and public figures are used for comedic and critical purposes only.
Dear Reader,
Thanks so much for checking out my political satire — it means a lot that you took the time to read it. If you’d like to help keep the stories (and a bit of the nonsense) going, you’re welcome to leave a or subscribe. — but truly, your time and curiosity are already a gift.
Until Next Time.
