Tired of Drama at Dinnertime?
Me, too. Here’s what I did.
Confession: I used to pre-plate my children’s meals. You know, place a helping of each meal item on their plate and serve it to them.
It’s how my mom served me when I was young, and how I started serving my kids.
But I noticed something I didn’t like, or feel proud of.
I was noticing what my kids were eating…and not eating. I wasn’t just noticing; I was focusing on it.
The ‘not eating’ was bothering me. So much so, I got naggy at the table.
Can you just take another bite of your veggies?
Why aren’t you touching your meat?
Finish your milk.
That’s what I didn’t like or feel proud of.
Me.
Nagging.
Pressure to Eat is No Bueno
As a pediatric dietitian, I know all too well that pressure to eat — or nagging, coercing, threatening, manipulating, and all the other antics parents employ to get their kids to eat — is a buzz kill.
It’s a surefire way to get your kids disinterested in eating.
To dig in their heels and be…picky.
And believe it or not, pre-plating a child’s dinner (or breakfast or lunch) is pressure.
A full plate of food conveys the message “eat everything on your plate.”
Not to mention that a full plate may be too much for a child and overwhelm them, short-circuiting the desire to eat.
Deciding what and how much your child should eat may also undermine their autonomy and food preferences, setting up the perfect storm for drama at mealtime.
I knew all of this, and yet, I was serving up a plateful of food for each kid.
The Moment that Changed How I Serve Meals
And then it hit me. I remembered how well my kids ate at parties and at the local buffet restaurant.
Why was this?
I realized they could pick what they wanted to eat. Given an array of choices, they opted for a variety of foods and enjoyed eating their meal.
And the best thing?
No drama. No meltdowns.
The Solution to Happier Family Meals
I changed the way I served our meals to a family-style service approach.
You may have heard of family-style meals. It’s when all the foods and drinks for the meal get placed in the center of the table.
Meal items are passed around, one by one.
Diners — in this case parents and kids — choose the food items they want on their plate and serve themselves.
Why Family-Style Meals Work
There are many benefits for children when meals are served “family-style:”
- Children develop better gross and fine motor skills because they are passing plates and bowls to others (gross motor) and using utensils to serve food (fine motor).
- Children make independent food choices from the items on the table. This feeds into their natural drive for autonomy.
- They are more open to trying new foods because the pressure is gone. What’s on the plate is what they wanted to eat.
- They get to practice table manners in real time. Please pass the [food]…and thank you are easy words to teach children at the table.
- Connection, conversation and fun are easier to cultivate because the drama around food and who’s eating what, and in what amounts, is removed from the conversation. Everyone respects each other's food choices.
Some Things for Parents and Caretakers to Keep in Mind
If you’ve gotten this far, you probably have some questions. I encourage you to try this approach without too much overthinking.
First, you decide what’s on the menu. Full stop. If you’ve got a picky child in the house, add one or two food items that your picky one will eat (and everyone else can eat, too). This could be a bowl of fresh fruit, some bread and butter, or a jug of milk or a platter of cheese. The goal is to make a meal where everyone in the family can find something to eat.
Second, nix the conversation about eating. It’s pressure. Not only is it demotivating, it may steal the joy of being together. Besides, put yourself in your child’s shoes. Do you like another adult critiquing what you choose to eat, or how much you’re eating? I’m guessing not.
Third, if your child needs help to serve food or pass it, help them, but don’t take over. Hold the bowl or platter so they can spoon the food onto their plate. Or, spoon food onto their plate, but have them tell you when to stop.
Last, remember, kids and their eating varies. Some days are good. Some days are not so good.
Don’t fret. It evens out.
What’s most important is losing the drama at mealtime and capturing the joy of eating together, nourishing oneself, and connecting with those who are most loved.
Go ahead, give it a try. Let me know how it goes…
