JULY DUMP — To Heal
First Written : 31/07/2022 (But hidden in drafts because I felt it was too sadish and overthought putting it out)
Eventually posted : 31/12/2022 (It’s the last day of the year and I want a complete recap of the year on my feed)
For the first 10 days in July, I was in a bad space. I was dealing with post-decision regret, I visited home during that period and had questions, a lot of them: Why did God let my dad get this sick, why do my siblings have to wait this long to be in good places, didn’t they obey You, love You, sacrifice all for You? Why was this happening to them? Where did we go wrong? Why are our prayers not being answered? When will you make things better? I was in a space of emotional, mental and spiritual tiredness. I had no strength in me at all.
I am normally an over emotional person and always need safe spaces to let out these emotions and God has and will always be this space for me but at this time, here I was carrying it out on Him, blaming Him for what was going wrong, and so I stayed away from Him, leaving such a huge vacuum. I felt void, so empty, and so I slipped again and again and fell further.
I like to think that I have slight OCD, I tend to over arrange my personal space, so on a Monday in July when I stayed in my dirty disorganized room all day, refusing to bath or brush, I knew how bad this was. I don’t like to think or say I was depressed as I feel it is such a big word and shouldn’t be thrown around, but in July I considered signing up for therapy.
My work suffered, mind suffered and that Monday morning I knew I was tired but didn’t know how to help myself out, how to stand up from the mess I was sitting pretty in. I knew I was self-destructing so fast and needed help. I can remember telling a friend how weak I felt, He knew there was nothing he could say to help me out, so all he said was that he knew God would come for me, God would find me and lift me up and that was the assurance he rested in.
I had a conversation with another friend the next day, she listened while I poured out my heart and she prayed with and for me, speaking words of healing over me, and that was the start of the healing. I wept like a baby, gently crawling back to God.
The rest of July saw me slowly stepping out of this mess like a little child learning to walk, I just wanted to rest. I was tired and needed to soak in God’s love all I could.
July saw me unlearning patterns, gently breaking mental models about God I have known and lived with all along that made me question Him, His goodness and His love. Unlearning and healing is the most difficult and slowest thing ever and I am still there, gently making progress, slowly repeating to myself “God is good, God loves me, I won’t ask for fish and He would give me snake”.
July saw me relearning to stay, just trying to show up each day to God’s presence, zero pressures, zero routine, not being overly concerned about the length of time spent or activity done during my time with Him, but just staying there, drawing strength to pull through each day.
July saw me being conscious about taking on a little at a time, relating to work and life in general. I had been struggling with my productivity level due to my low mental energy, to help me out of this, I have been intentional about setting a little achievable target each day and asking Holy Spirit for help as often as possible.
July saw me learning to see God as my first resort, running to Him first when things happen rather than putting my friends on speed dial. Focusing on living a day at a time rather than seeing it as a long of stretch of days, difficult to live through.
July saw me learning to be easy on myself, being kinder to myself and accepting of where I am in my journey, rather than being hard on myself and constantly wishing I was different.
I am still on this journey, but I am grateful for the healing July brought, felt like a new beginning, felt like a rush of hope and all I want now is to build strong convictions, deep rooted foundations, I don’t want to be swayed anymore, to doubt God and slip into depression every now and then. So help me God.
As I wrote in my diary on 14th July 2022: “ I will never go down this route again”
For August:
I pray for peace (permanent peace that passes all understanding), I pray for Joy (the type Jesus gives), I pray for rest (zero overthinking, zero anxiety), I pray for growth (I am really hungry for more and all of God, I want to trust Him so much and Love Him so much, to live in His love everyday), I pray for clarity (precision and boldness to move).
For August, I hope to make and keep memories (I did not take any picture in July, I need to change that), I hope to reawaken my social life and finally have my Staycation, Amen Lord. I hope to be more present, daily. To document more of my joys and not focus on the sad times, to write and to get back to sharing.
