Me for the first time — My story of trans liberation 🏳️⚧️
Today is International Transgender Day of Visibility (TDOV), and today I want to be visible.
I am transgender. In a couple weeks, I will be a 41-year-old trans man. For the first 39 years of my life I didn’t know I was trans.
Over the past two years, I have come out as trans and queer, transitioned socially and legally, and begun my medical transition. I have lost friends and family, gained new chosen family, and built new social support networks. I have dated women for the first time. I have healed my chronic illness. And I have transformed my body to better align with my gender identity and fully express my true self.
These past two years have been a radical reclamation of self, a joyous embrace of my truth, and an incredible journey of liberation and transformation.
Today, these are the words I want to share with the world.
Not knowing
I didn’t grow up knowing I was trans. But ever since I was in 4th grade or so I had this feeling of being uncomfortable and not knowing why. Of not feeling comfortable around the girls. Of feeling like I wanted to be seen and compared to other boys. Of wanting the boy’s part in the play. Of feeling cornered and exposed and … not right. At sleepovers I never felt like the other girls. I felt like I had to learn how to “be a girl.” And while these feelings of discomfort were always with me, I had none of the concepts and language to help me connect these experiences and feelings to my gender.
This feeling led to so much searching in my life. Led to so much fear and insecurity. And I didn’t know what it was or what it meant. I never talked about it. I just thought it must be normal. I didn’t ever connect it to gender, because why would I? I didn’t have knowledge of or exposure to trans men. (I actually didn’t know there were trans men.) The concept of trans women was “taboo” and “dangerous.” Gender was not something that I questioned because I didn’t understand I could.
While sexuality was something I felt like I could explore, I never connected the dots. I was desperately attracted to women. However, I never felt like a lesbian, or identified with other lesbians. Something was just not clicking for me. I felt “straight.” Though without understanding my gender, “straight” was also something that didn’t fully fit. Nothing felt right, and so I just went with what was expected and “normal” and ended up dating men. I didn’t have the concept of gender envy to understand my attraction toward the men I dated.
How I wish I had had role models, examples, terminology given to me to help me make sense of myself. Representation matters.
It took me 39 years. 39 years until I was exposed to just enough of what it meant to be trans before my egg cracked — before I had the concepts to open my mind to my own identity, the safety within myself, and finally find my way home for the first time.
A crack in the egg
I remember I was in my backyard when she called me. My very close friend of eight years. Who, at the time, I knew as male. “I have something important to tell you. I am transgender. I am a woman.”
As her words sunk in, I felt this bubbling joy. This thrill of excited celebration of my friend, inviting me in to her transformation, to know her as her fully realized self. I was exhilarated, and full of something powerful that I couldn’t quite explain. Then and there my egg began to crack. Like my friend inviting me to step toward a future I didn’t know could exist.
I had never (knowingly) met a trans person before.
I am so fortunate that I had this incredible experience to witness to the profound and radical self-love and affirmation in my friend’s transition. I celebrated every step she took like a full-time cheerleader.
But it was more than that. I was mesmerized by watching her come alive, finding myself desperately wishing I could say YES to myself just the way I was seeing her do so.
And as I journeyed alongside my friend, diving into resources to learn more about the trans experience, having deep conversations that challenged my own thinking, I found myself questioning my own core beliefs and assumptions about my own gender.
I spoke you my truth
And you did not know me
As I did not know myself
Before the dawn
Saying YES to myself
Watching my friend affirm her gender through self expression and presentation made me realize that I was deeply not in touch with my own sense of self, and that maybe I, too, was deserving and worthy of affirmation.
The first thing I did was buy a pair of men’s boots. Something I had in high school that I had no practical reason to own, aside from self expression. Something that felt right. And this opened a crack in the door of possibility.
Next was a belt. Then mens shirts. Then the whole wardrobe. And then the hair got shorter and shorter. And the more I leaned in, the more I felt right and me, and the more the process pulled me along in a euphoric rebirth of self.
Reverse paradigm
Then one day, my friend challenged me on the phone with a reverse paradigm question: “How do you know you are a woman?”
And I sat there on the curb of my street, speechless, because I couldn’t think of any reasons why I was a woman aside from that I had been assigned female at birth based on my biological sex. And that was when I realized that I, too, was trans. That I had spent my whole life subconsciously in the closet.
There is no going back
after the reflection
after the light changed
and suddenly there I was
looking back at myself
breath taken
aback
back at me there
I saw
who I am meant to be
I saw me
staring back
through the glass
Fast forward
39 years. Of being socialized female. Of holding back. Of masking. Of putting on a persona to myself and the world. Of feeling like I was constantly sinking in quicksand. Like being swallowed by a swamp with no way of knowing which direction was which, or whether there were clear skies outside the forest. Of feeling lost and lonely and desperately seeking answers to a question I couldn’t even put words to and didn’t know I had.
I filled this hole with seeking. With deep self inquiry. With ambition without aim. With being chronically busy. With a deep sinking heart knowing this can’t be it — this can’t be all there is in this life.
And I would read stories of liberation and desperately pray to be free. To feel free. Of what? I didn’t know.
Liberation begets liberation
My egg cracked with the most gentle of invitations. Just the idea itself was enough. Enough to break me free of my own self constructed prison of safety. And the walls melted as if they were wax and just waiting for the flame.
Finding myself was like all the pieces clicking together one by one, faster and faster, feeling strength and congruence and LOVE. Oh, the love I had for myself and for everyone around me. Finally unlocked, like a secret in my heart. That for the first time, I could love myself, and through that, find an unending well of love for others.
I finally knew who I was, and for the first time found myself standing on solid ground. Even though the storm raged around me, I was standing on my own two feet and knew exactly where I was.
This was the first time in my life that I unlocked that door to myself. The door I thought was the floor of the ocean. All this time, I had felt that I was sinking toward the bottom. Instead, it was a portal to a brand new beginning. A rebirth. Of healing and joy and euphoria. Of love and happiness and self compassion. Of strength and power.
This breaking through boxes within myself is an act of liberation. And through this act of liberating myself, I create more possibilities for healing and liberation of others. Through telling my story, maybe I too can be a shining light for someone else who is lost in the dark.
I grieve the time it took for me to get here. All the ways my life could have been different had I had this missing piece so much earlier, had I had the sense of safety to find myself. However, I reach back with love for the girl, the woman who came before now and got me where I am. I was given perspective and life experience that make me a better human, a better man today.
Now I get to stand tall. Despite the world raging. Despite the lack of safety for trans people in today’s climate. Because I know who I am. And the fear I had all my life is gone.
Alignment and healing
This alignment of spirit, body, mind, heart opened new possibilities for healing. This congruence of inner and outer self, and this unlocking of my missing piece of my identity puzzle has enabled me to begin to truly heal.
Here I am, finally able to begin the hard work of healing my deep wounds and a lifetime of intergenerational trauma. Never in a million years would I have guessed I would be here, so humbled in awe of how finding my own truth has unlocked so many inner discoveries and allowed me to question all assumptions. Letting go. Standing tall. Radically loving myself.
And now, in this body, this trans body, this miracle of a body that has had the blueprint all along for my cells to align with my gender identity, given the right medicine. The missing ingredient of the right hormone. Transforming me even more into myself. Each day I feel stronger.
My top surgery was not a butchery of my female body, but a liberation of my self as male. The ability to live this inner truth on my outside creates even more congruence and alignment in my spirit and soul.
This alignment of spirit and body has dramatically changed my life. I have found miraculous healing in this transformation. My body, now more aligned with my spirit, has healed itself of my chronic illness.
Healing begets healing. I have the cleanest bill of health I have had in 20 years. My body has taken to HRT like a fish in water. Rapidly changing with utter joy.
My body has the blueprint
for how to be a boy
all it took
was spitfire in my stomach
a clear view
the truth
burning like a beacon
the walls melting
the missing ingredient
coursing through veins
expressing genes that
always were there
just dormant
now awake and turning
toward the light
shining with
cellular change
posture following
and filling shirts
taking space
the slow change
unfolding petals
in brilliant bloom
A spring rising
From this place of self empowerment I feel anything is possible. Despite the winds that shake our foundations. Despite the weights I continually shed in my journey. Despite the hills and mountains I know are coming. Here I am, ready for the first time.
I never knew.
Never knew how freedom could be just around the corner. Like a spring rising. When we find ourselves, we find our eternal spring of truth. A light to shine in the darkness. A light that shines and never goes out.
What the world needs
This is not indoctrination. This is liberation. And if you find yourself not able to understand that, then you need to examine the walls of your own prison and face how you, too, have not been free.
Until a world where all trans kids get to grow up to be trans adults, this work is not finished. Even though I am just beginning and early in my journey, I carry my story and have my voice. This is power. My joy is powerful. My inner peace is powerful. My love is powerful. And I intend to use it.
Liberation begets liberation. As I free my mind so I free my heart. Unlocking new corners of my own healing. Changing my beliefs and behaviors. Transforming who I can be and how I can grow to be bigger in this world and continue the virtuous cycle within myself to become a better citizen of this planet. To do the necessary work to make things better than I found them. I am ready.
These past weeks I have intentionally walked in community. In poverty and privilege. In fear and joy. In age and race. And we are all connected.
If we allow ourselves to be blind to the unintentional ramifications of our beliefs without questioning the validity of those beliefs, we are the fools. If we allow ourselves to be robbed through apathy of our own power, we are foolish. If we allow the fear and hate to quash us unto distress and disassociation, their fear and hate has won.
Extending the invitation
I will not believe there is ever an us vs. them. This is against my deep belief that people all have the capacity to be good. That healing is possible with safety and vulnerability. That all hate comes from hurt. That this hurt is the deep wound dividing us. The same hurt hurts those who hold it more than it will ever hurt me living in my truth.
But one thing I do know. Lecturing will never honor the hurt enough to open it for healing. Real human connection, trust, and love does.
We can extend the invitation, though others may never be ready to walk through. But here we have to show how our self love and our liberation is a model for their own, not to become the same as us, but to become the best versions of themselves.
If I reach out and am able to touch one heart with mine, then I believe healing is possible.
How far have I come
to find joy now at every turn
to trust in myself
that such stressors cannot harm me
that I know I can
because I am
because I have
that the choices I have made
give gifts to my future self
that the greatest gift
is what is offered in each breath
that these storms we ride
are only temporary
that we rise always
we are companions to the world
to each other
and why not go in joy
why not in endless gratitude
well of love unending
there is no perfection
but the perfect opportunity for self
is always at hand
we choose to gift
ourselves to the world
each day
Let your light shine
We will continue to expand our community, our partnership, our love for each other and the belief that self discovery and healing are possible. That if this transformation is possible for me, then it is possible for everyone to find themselves on their own solid ground.
But this work is not for the faint of heart. It requires that you face your demons. Your own failings. Your own pain. And wrap it in love. You have to be able hold both, and. And you need to find forgiveness. For those who you stumbled on in the path. For those who taught you. For those who you looked up to. And you have to, above all, forgive yourself. For the long road you took. For the ways you hid from yourself. From the ways you let others seed fear and apathy and hurt into your heart.
You have to forgive yourself. You have to love yourself enough to do so. You have to let your truth shine so bright it casts away the shadows. It nourishes the soil. It lightens the sky. You have to find the warmth within you.
I am by no means done with my journey. Mine is just beginning. You start wherever and whenever you start. And know we are all more capable of change than we ever thought possible, and of catalyzing change through simply living our own truth.
I’m done hiding. I’m done being small. I’m done being silent. I’m done being afraid.
I’m here to shine my light so bright it fills the night.
🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈✨
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