Cheating Death

A fictional short-short story

It’s no surprise that I’m scared of death.

My mother was crazy-cautious. Not only was she the first person on Earth to eat wheat germ — She even put it on meat — she wouldn’t let me drink orange juice straight from the fridge— She insisted on letting it come to room temperature “because I could catch cold.” We never went out to eat: “They put all sorts of junk in the food and then cover it with sauce.”

So I became a health freak. I’m 5' 10" and 130 pounds because I live on 1,200 calories a day. I’m vegan and plan every meal carefully. For example, my typical breakfast is four ounces of oatmeal (heated in water, not milk) plus a teaspoon of unsweetened dried cranberries, a teaspoon of walnut bits, and a 1/4 teaspoon of sugar. I avoid restaurants but when I have to go, I order something like bok choi and black mushrooms, no salt, minimum oil, no msg.

I exercise an hour a day: a 30-minute run (putting on 40-spf sunscreen ten minutes before I start my run. And I wear a hat and long sleeves. I’ve run nine marathons. My scale measures body fat — I stay at 7 to 8% and my weight never varies more than a pound from 130.

I subscribe to Life Extension Foundation magazine, which has the latest information on supplements. My medicine cabinet looks like an old man’s — I have 11 bottles of supplements.

Stress kills, so I’ve always had chill jobs, like window washer, poster hanger, and car detailer.

I read that it’s healthier to sleep on my side so, although my preference is to sleep on my back, I trained myself to sleep in fetal position. I made sure I get eight hours of sleep per night, although in my old age — I’m now 83 — I can only make myself get seven.

I just came back from my ninth marathon. I was the oldest finisher. And as I’m writing to you, I’m sitting with my green drink: kale and spinach with a little apple to make it borderline drinkable.

I have no serious diseases other than some arthritis. Do you think my sacrifices have been worth it?

I read this aloud

Marty Nemko is a career and personal coach, and author of including and . You can reach him at [email protected]