Seattle Investor Buys Yard Birds Statue, Converts It Into Airbnb for “Authentic Lewis County Vibe”
CHEHALIS, WA — In a move that has left longtime Lewis County residents somewhere between disbelief and ambivalence, the iconic Yard Bird statue has been purchased by a Seattle tech investor who plans to convert the beloved local landmark into a $600-a-night “luxury, post-industrial Airbnb experience with rustic trauma.”
Dax Spinstone, a 34-year-old sourdough magnate from Ballard and self-proclaimed “vintage Americana repurposing specialist,” reportedly stumbled upon the Yard Bird after a wrong turn off I-5 led him down N National Ave, where he was struck by what he called its “raw, uncurated potential.”
“This place is like if a Cabela’s mated with a David Lynch dream sequence,” said Spinstone, standing beneath the Yard Bird’s faded, vaguely deranged eyes. “It’s exactly what my clientele wants: authenticity, regional decay, and the smell of wet particle board.”
Spinstone’s plan includes converting the inside of the statue into a “modern primitive living pod,” featuring:
• A clawfoot tub salvaged from the Winlock Hostel fire
• A bed frame welded from the original Lewis County Dairy Gold signage
• Breakfast sourced from the local Dollar General
• Ambient audio: a loop of KELA talk radio and the sound of a 1998 log truck’s compression brakes
Guests will also be offered add-ons like the “Chronicle Clipping Experience,” where they can read historical news stories about local high school football rivalries, small-town scandals, and the 2007 flood that briefly turned downtown Chehalis into a muddier version of Venice.
Some locals are, predictably, furious.
“This is sacred ground,” said Winlock resident Gary Pilcher, who fondly recalls buying discount fishing gear, discount cassette decks, and maybe a discount rooster all in one trip. “We used to come here for fun — now it’s going to be full of city people pretending to love mildew.”
The Yard Birds store, which opened in 1947 and over the years functioned as a department store, flea market, community nerve center, and regional monument to the phrase “Weird but effective,” is considered by many the spiritual heart of Lewis County. Its mascot, the enormous black Yard Bird statue with cartoon eyes and a smirk that says “I know what you did in the plumbing aisle,” has stood vigil over a fading parking lot for decades.
Spinstone insists he’s committed to preserving local heritage. “I’ve hired a regional cultural consultant,” he said, gesturing vaguely at an Evergreen College student who once toured a logging museum. “Guests will receive a complimentary bottle of questionable snowmelt collected from White Pass Ski Resort, a VHS copy of a 1984 Morton Loggers Jubilee chainsaw competition, and a six-pack of Busch Lite.”
As part of his “authentic integration plan,” Spinstone has applied for historic landmark status and hopes to install a rooftop observation deck where guests can sip oat-milk cappuccinos while watching the fog settle over the interstate.
At press time, he was reportedly considering similar conversions of the Winlock Egg, that weird eagle monument in Toledo, and the Centralia Coal Power Plant — pending structural stability and “vibes.”
Disclaimer:
This article is a work of satire. All characters, quotes, and events — even those based on real places or public figures — are entirely fictional and intended for humorous purposes only. The Yard Bird remains un-Airbnb’d (for now), and no tech investors were harmed or consulted in the making of this story. If you’re offended, confused, or currently pricing clawfoot tubs salvaged from fire damage, please take a deep breath and remember: it’s a joke.
