I Wish My Mom Fled: A Heart-Wrenching Survival Story

I admire her but I wish she did not stay with my dad.

This story may contain some link(s) where I can earn commission.

In 2022, my now husband surprised me with a book “It Ends With Us” — a story about domestic violence — by Colleen Hoover when he visited me in the Philippines for the first time. As I was reading the book, I kind of related my life to the story. My mom was Lily Bloom, and my dad was Ryle Kincaid.

My dad had a lot of insecurities inside of him that he projected on my mom and on other people. He is still doing the same thing now. As a kid, I think he was one of the coolest people I knew. I never realized that he had narcissistic qualities until I was in my 20s. Maybe he’s just not a narcissist. Maybe he has a disorder that ruins his family’s life.

This story may contain a link or links where I can earn commission.

I looked up the signs of narcissistic personality disorder on the internet, and these were what I found:

Sense of Entitlement: My dad believes he should be superior to everyone and he deserves special treatment. He wants everyone to obey his wishes and he is the ruler. Rules don’t apply to him.

I grew up following whatever my dad told me what to do. As a people pleaser, I didn’t notice that I was the perfect victim of his narcissistic behavior. He didn’t want me and my siblings to go outside of the town to explore careers and education. He didn’t want my mom to pursue a career, because for him that was unnecessary or a bad idea for a married woman who has children. He didn’t want me to move abroad to marry my now husband.

Some people, including the younger me, thought that he did all of these things because he cared about us. He didn’t want me to get a life of my own, because he was worried about me being in danger.. As his daughter, I acknowledge how much he loves me. If it wasn’t because of him, I wouldn’t have gone to college, I wouldn’t be able to eat three times a day, and I would have lived on the street.

However, we often mistake control as a form of care. People will tell you they care about you as the reason why they do certain things. In reality, it’s not about care anymore, it’s about control. He controlled my mom so much, and for him, that was love.

I feel bad for my mom that she never had a career outside being a mom and a housewife. Even if she never told me, I knew it would have made her happy if she could make her own money, but my entitled dad stopped her from doing that. She was supposed to be a teacher, but my narcissistic dad gaslighted her and made her feel bad.

Being a full time housewife and a full time mom can be rewarding for some women. Even though you’re making a huge change, you have no value as a person in the eyes of society if you’re not earning money. My dad gained more empathy and admiration than my mom because he was the one earning money. I’m sure my dad loved it.

Need for Admiration: My dad loves to be admired by other people. He may not say it directly, but his actions will show it. He will often compare himself — how better he is compared to other people. Aside from comparison, he will often criticize some people who are often more successful than him. He will mock them as if he’s thinking it will make him appear better than those people. He even ridicules his own kids.

One time I applied for a job as a bookkeeping assistant. It so happened that the attorney office I applied to was located in the market where people sell street foods, vegetables, and fruits. My dad kind of laughed at me that I tried to apply there –when the employer was just a street food vendor.

Dad. She’s not a street vendor. She’s an attorney. Even if she’s just a street food vendor, you have no right to mock other people. It will never make you look great. NEVER.

Lack of Empathy: I don’t remember a time whenever my dad felt bad for horrible things he has done. He never sincerely apologizes. We tell him multiple times to please refrain from drinking alcohol since he’s doing it too much, and it’s ruining his family’s life. He never listens.

My siblings and I witnessed how my dad would physically hit my mom whenever he would get himself super drunk. My mom would of course defend herself. My siblings and I were just sitting on the couch watching them almost killing each other. We were so afraid. As kids, we felt that we didn’t have the strength to intervene. We were carrying that psychological trauma, and we still do to this day, but my dad would tell us it was not important. Our mental health is never significant to him.

There was a time too when my mom had chicken pox, so she was having a fever. At the same time, she was pregnant with my youngest brother. My dad locked her out of the house just because he got pissed off by my mom. His reason was unreasonable. It was the middle of the night when that happened and I was the only child living with them at that time –that’s how I remember it. The 8 year old me begged my dad to please find my mom and let her get inside the house. He just replied “just go to sleep.” Fortunately, my dad’s cousin was living nearby, and she let my mom stay the night in her house. When I woke up, my mom was drinking a coffee and having a conversation with my dad about what happened.

I was happy that she was back, and my family was complete again. Every child’s dream is to have a complete family, but that dream is impossible when two people, who are supposed to be the parents, can’t find compatibility with each other. Looking back, I have no idea if my mom made the right decision. My dad put her life and his unborn son’s life in danger. I didn’t realize it until I was in my 20s.

Despite everything that happened between my mom and my dad, my mom still chose to stay with my dad. She tried multiple times to leave him but she can’t since she knew how it would affect our lives. Sometimes I was wondering things like :what if my mom hadn’t gotten pregnant with me? Would she still marry my dad?; What if she left my dad? Would she be happier with someone who truly loves her? Would she find her Atlas Corrigan?

I really admire Lily Bloom because she was so strong to make a choice for herself and her daughter. Ryle was abusing her, and it would be so pathetic of her to stay with him. Although I can tell my mom was one of the strongest people I ever knew in my life, she was not as strong as Lily Bloom. She had no strength to leave and I wish she did left my dad sooner than she did.

My mom left my dad anyway in the end, but not in the way I wanted to. She died of cervical cancer. It will be her 5th year of death anniversary this year.

I left my dad too this year, and I married my now husband. I knew he didn’t want me to go abroad, but I did it anyway because I knew what was best for me. I can’t let myself be stuck with him and not grow. He doesn’t want me to flourish, because in that way, he knows he will have a power over me. He tried to persuade me to not leave my home country because he sees me as a weak girl who can’t handle herself. He loves underestimating me as much as he loves minimizing other people around him.

People told me that he was just worried about me. It’s natural for a parent to worry about her or his kid, but it’s not a child’s responsibility to regulate his or her parents’ emotions. I might have disappointed him with my decision, but at least I did not disappoint myself.

I feel so much happier and at peace now. I have the freedom to do whatever I want — a dream job, going to nice places without fear he might text me “where are you now? It’s already late” (I’m already almost 28), and most of all, I can peacefully spend time with my husband and our kids. I can raise our kids here with my husband in a calm and free environment where there is no alcohol and abuse.

The war ends with me, and I wish my dad will get the help that he needs. He’s still my dad and I love him. He’s a good person, but he is just broken. A broken person can do more damage than love. I believe he will be a better person than he is now one day.

Disclaimer: This is my wife’s story. She wants me to share this story with you for some inspiration.

If you know someone is being abused or if you are a victim of domestic violence, please call 800–799–7233. Help is always available for you and your loved ones.

If you enjoyed this story, consider showing your support:

Thank you so much!