I’m the Extraterrestrial Who Sent All Those Spy Balloons, and I’ll Have You Know It Was My Birthday

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There’s a reason I’m more of an evergreen humor writer than a timely one — I like to draft a piece, then take a beat, re-read it, take a beat, add more jokes, get feedback, and so on and so on until I have a finished piece in a month or so. Hardly the turnaround time needed to catch a quick moving new item or bit of in-the-moment cultural commentary. Every once in a while, though, something in the zeitgeist catches me and I manage to pull together a piece on it…just as the moment passes.

In this series, I publish those pieces that I wrote, I liked, but was just a little too late to deliver on. Today’s references early 2023, when several spy balloons were shot down over the US and Canada, prompting much discussion about UFOs. Thinking about aliens and balloons resulted in this piece, which, alas, I completed once the news cycle had moved on.

I’m just going to say it: I’m a little disappointed you shot down my balloons. Was I surprised? Yes, of course. I don’t understand how anyone could see a series of massive reinforced aircraft and think of anything other than the biggest birthday party of the season. After all, they were metallic steel gray, the most festive color. Was I hurt? Not physically, I’m literally on another planet. In my heart…well, yeah…