Why Writing and Publishing a Nonfiction Book is Hard As Hell.
Life is an Adventure: If You’ve Got a Fire, Write a Book.
Do you want to write a book? Why haven’t you?
No worries and no judgment, but I think I know why. It’s easier said than done; it’s hard as hell. You can write a book, a feat in and of itself, but if you’re not famous, the chances of getting it published are infinitesimal, far less than one in one hundred, if that. I have to believe that for every book you see on a shelf, some author was most likely made miserable by the process, so it must be the ones who have a burning passion for seeing their brainchild through, whether it is ever seen or not, who end up being published.
I recently went through all that. I’ve had my book in my head for a long time, but the fire in my belly ignited when I researched and wrote my dissertation on how couples in long-term marriages decided to divorce in 2006. What I learned during the research for that book blew me away … marriages deteriorate in stages, like cancer. Why don’t people know about this? I asked. People keep the extent of their unhappiness a secret. What?
I had a sense of urgency to get this important information out there and was gung-ho; I started a first draft, went to writer’s conferences, met agents in person, pitched the book, and was usually told it was too negative. Yes, I was writing about the phenomenon of marriage crisis and what to do when you’re in one, but they all wanted me to cure every marriage at the end magically. Without a happy end, there was zero interest.
This attitude wasn’t realistic, but how do you get an agent to understand this? They give you two minutes or less for a pitch, and their blank eyes and facial expressions tell you to wrap it up and move on. Life doesn’t always have happy endings; everyone knows that. When marriages are on the brink, however, the themes are similar to a person with metastatic cancer. Some people recover and go on to live long lives, while others will not make it, and a lot of this will depend on certain things. How the situation is handled, how healthy a person is in the first place, what professionals you chose, and the undefinables, such as luck and will to survive. What if we could help couples know about the variables that help them in a marriage crisis so they can give themselves the best opportunity for the outcome they desire? Maybe even rescue marriages that otherwise would have ended in divorce.
During my research and writing of my dissertation in 2005–2006. I loved learning, but toward the end, I was so sick of it that I could barely stand to look at it. Writing a nonfiction book was a very similar experience. I didn’t do my own research this time, but I pulled up research from almost 100 sources. I read books and studies and had to fill in the citations for every single one. This is the tedious part of writing that is no fun.
It’d be cool if you could write a book, get it out there, and have thousands of people flock to buy it. I think that is every writer’s fantasy. I’ve never met a writer who didn’t spend enormous amounts of time writing, editing, rewriting, rethinking, and then leaving and returning to do the same thing. As Ernest Hemingway famously said, “The first draft of anything is shit.” I’ve been coming back to my manuscript and leaving it behind for almost 20 years.
What made me finally do it.
There’s nothing like getting older to wake a person up to the idea of “It’s now or never.” For so long, I felt I had time, and then I hit my 60s. Damn. Friends were getting sick, some were dying, and I realized that at my age, anything could happen. Since I try to live a regret-free life, I stopped setting it aside almost two years ago, hired an editor who had worked on many published nonfiction books, and spent one year working on it with determination. We finished it last spring and then spent the summer of 2023 preparing a book proposal.
The professional editor, Candace Johnson, of Change-it-Up Editing, made all the difference, but hiring her cost thousands of dollars, but worth every cent. Having Candace not only influenced me to keep going but also gave me invaluable insight, validated that it was a worthwhile project, and assured me the message I am putting out there is well-needed. I could not have pulled it off without her.
When you write your first book, or any fiction or non-fiction book, the writing is the easy part. Once done, you enter a different process, the literary equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest. There are choices and decisions to be made. You must decide what it’s for and who it’s for. Are you just trying to make money? Do you want legitimacy in your field? Do you want it to be reviewed by the media? What is your purpose?
Knowing these answers will help you decide whether to self-publish or go the route of the traditional publisher. I knew I wanted to try the traditional route, even though it meant making less money. As a mental health professional, I wanted a book that might influence my colleagues to use my marriage crisis management ideas since most marriage therapists know very little about how to handle this fragile event when it happens. I also wanted it to have the potential to be reviewed by the media.
Since I once worked for a newspaper in the features section, I knew that book editors turn their noses at self-published books. Though things are rapidly changing and self-published books are becoming more respected, I didn’t want to deal with any prejudice that option could bring.
If you decide to go the traditional route, as I did, the Mt. Everest climb will begin; it’s unavoidable. An actor who wants roles in a movie or play has to have an agent. Fiction and Non-fiction authors must find a literary agent who takes the book to a publishing house. Most publishers require the agent introduction, but a handful will take submissions directly from the author. To attract an agent, you must write a book proposal, as I mentioned above, which is a package of information on the book with an outline, a chapter-by-chapter synopsis, two sample chapters, an analysis of the competition, social media statistics, website numbers, a marketing plan, and more. Once this is done, the next step is to do an extensive search of literary agents receiving submissions in your genre and send them query letters, enclosing exactly what they request and nothing more.
Once my proposal was ready, I sent queries to over a hundred literary agents, and some wrote me back asking to see my book proposal, but no one wanted to take it on from there. To say this process is discouraging is an understatement. The main reasons were that I wasn’t famous enough or didn’t have a huge social media following. These days, publishers want a sure-fire winner, and that is measured by how popular you are in your field or on social media. You can be an authority in your field or good at what you do, but that’s not enough. They want a ready-made readership. Knowing how difficult it is to land an agent, I also sent queries to publishers who regularly put out books in my field and got a flat no, sometimes the same day I sent it.
It’s not lost on me that, as an author with no personal wealth or trust fund, I must have a day job to support myself. I work for hours daily, seeing clients. In addition, I write blog posts from scratch, attempt to keep social media humming along with videos and brilliant memes (I fall short in this, admittedly, it’s a time-thing), write the book and the proposal, send query letters and proposals out, and be alive to tell the tale. It’s a very difficult undertaking, yet an author is expected to do and achieve all the bullet points agents are looking for.
I have continued through this process for the same reason I finished my dissertation: I felt I had to. There’s no other way to explain it. Have you ever felt that you had a purpose for your life? Putting the information in this book out there is mine. Do I want to make a difference? Certainly. Would I like to make money? That would be nice, but it is not my driving force.
To learn everything I could about how to get a book deal successfully, I joined the Non-fiction Author’s Association, Facebook groups for authors, Publisher’s Marketplace, Writer Beware Newsletter, and more. Here, I encountered great information and encountered scammers, one more thing to worry about. One agent I queried contacted me about representation; I was as excited as possible, only to learn he was using the query letters he received to pull a bait and switch on unsuspecting authors. He said going the traditional book deal route was not smart, and I needed to sign up with his specific “hybrid press” publisher, pay them $6000 plus other add-ons, and get my book published within 30 days. I was crushed.
Do I self publish, or go with a publishing house?
There is much consternation between those who believe in traditional publishing versus being a self-published author. Similar to the two political parties in the United States, each side thinks the other is moronic and clueless. Who are we to believe? In social media groups, where I was trying to learn more about the publishing process, some berated me for wanting to publish traditionally. I was told that publishers would own me and the rights to my writing, and they would make money, and I wouldn’t. “You do all the work, and they make all the money,” they’d say. After looking into it, that is not true. I must say, though, that if I could not find a traditional publisher, my last resort would have been to self-publish. I would get the book out there, come what may. I understand why each side thinks theirs is best, but I don’t understand the hate.
Ultimately, I got a contract and advance from HCI Books for my eight-chapter nonfiction book, I (Think) I Want Out: What to Do When One of You Wants to End Your Marriage, which is scheduled to be published in the winter of 2025. Candace, who once worked at HCI, pushed it over the finish line by personally sending them my proposal. Luckily, they don’t require literary agent introductions. Even though you’d think I could now sit and drink a Mai Tai on the beach, the work has just begun. The publishing industry fully expects and depends on authors to work with them to tweak the manuscript turned in and to promote their work, and I am working on different ways to do that now.
In these early days, after turning the first manuscript in, we worked on choosing a cover, which you see at the top of this article. HCI Book editors encouraged my input, and I sent them samples of bright colors and large, prominent text. I want readers in a marriage crisis to be energized and hopeful, and these colors look bright and alive, which is the spirit I’d like to see couples approach a crossroads in their marriage. I could not be more thrilled with the way it looks.
Once the book comes out, I plan to travel the country to promote it and hope to appear on podcasts and in other media to talk about how we can do marriage crises and divorce differently in our culture.
Even though I am getting ready for the book launch, I am already considering doing it again. The next book I’d like to write is a workbook to accompany this book, and I’m already contemplating how that will work. Life is short; let’s get going.
This was an inside look at what it takes to get a nonfiction book on a shelf. If you have a book idea or say you’ll write one, what are you waiting for? Every author you admire had to sit down at their notepad, computer, or typewriter that first time and write that first sentence. The Internet is full of information on everything you need to know, and there are more great resources than ever. My recommendation is to become an avid reader and start writing every chance you get. Start with a journal or a blog, and do it regularly. Your readers will let you know if you’re saying something they want to hear.
One of my clients has written their own book that will be published this summer. We laugh about how we are going through the same things … they also are married, have a full-time career, children, and are trying to learn how to promote it when they don’t have a promotional bone in their body, but damn it, they got that fire in their belly. Their message will save lives and change the world. These sorts of things are borne from regular people like them, me, and you. Life is meant to be an adventure, I believe. If fear or doubt holds you back, do it anyway. Punch through it. Go for it.
Have a question? If you have a subject you’d like to see me write about or a situation you might want to present that I could discuss in a blog, please email me at [email protected].
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Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the YouTube Call Your Mother Relationship Show and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out and . Also, here is how to find her work on the . Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!
For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.
