The Great Dilemma of Being a Working Mother
Last Saturday, my husband caught breakfast with a friend (let’s call him Mark) to talk about a job opportunity. After an hour or so, the conversation turned to relationships.
Mark was considering proposing to his girlfriend.
My husband Brandon had some tips to share that helped us make that important decision. Among other things, he asked if they’d had the crucial conversation about how many kids they wanted to have, and when.
It was clear that Mark’s girlfriend is a high achiever, and that she’s intent on returning to work after they eventually have children.
“Well, you have to take her word for it,” said Brandon, “but also remember that she could very well change her mind. You have to trust what she says, but be ready for both.” He speaks from experience.
Like Mark’s girlfriend, I always intended to return to work after having a baby … I just knew I would be bored out of my mind if my only job was to take care of a baby in the house all day — and I was absolutely right about myself. What I miscalculated is how challenging motherhood really is.
My son is almost six months old now.
Before he was born, I worked as a Data Scientist full time, was going to art school on the side, and ran a youtube channel. That was already a lot for a pregnant person, but I managed it.
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Now, I’m building my career in fine art and exploring (part-time) freelance opportunities in data science while taking care of my son full time. My day is still full and I get to deal with complex problems, but I’ve decided not to go back to my regular full-time job.
As my son is getting older, he requires more attention. Opinions may differ on this, but I’m not willing to hire a nanny to take care of him during the day — especially one I don’t know very well. I value being the primary caregiver in my child’s life.
However, I’m not the type of person that can be a stay-at-home mom exclusively. It’s an honorable title, but I’m just not wired that way, and I think many other women can say the same.
I’m writing this article because I think it’s easy for female professionals to underestimate the cost (and rewards) of being a mother and subconsciously write off motherhood as an easier job than data science, or nursing, or astrophysics, or (whatever you do).
No, my own identity didn’t end when I had a baby (although it did feel like that for the first few weeks), but my life did drastically change when Azariah came into the world.
I think the key is creating flexibility.
What I need in my professional life as a new mother is the flexibility to take care of my son when he needs attention. Because Azariah is not the one who’s going to be flexible for me — I need to create that flexibility in other areas of my life.
Owning my own business and doing freelance data science work allows me to do that. I set my own schedule, and I can edit as needed.
You know — I think as women we want to know if we can have it all. But I think we need to define what “have it all” means for each one of us. If that means working full time and being a mother, that may require the sacrifice of being your child’s primary caregiver. If that means being a full time mom, that could require sacrificing your career. Some women might be able to pull off both and that’s amazing, but they’re scarce.
So, here are some good questions to think about before you have to choose which sacrifices you’re willing to make.
- Am I going back to work?
- If yes, who is going to take care of my baby?
- Is the cost of childcare worth it to me?
- When am I going to spend dedicated time with my baby?
- If I don’t go back to work, will my family be financially stable?
- Is my partner okay with bearing our family’s financial load (at least temporarily)?
- Am I willing to sacrifice/delay/alter my career goals to be the primary caregiver in my child’s life?
Becoming a mother is an amazing gift, and it’s f#@&ing hard.
I wish I would’ve had more realistic expectations of myself and what I could handle, but I’m glad I was adaptable and gave myself grace. I’m still figuring out what my professional life looks like as a working mother, and it may keep changing as Azariah grows.
The important thing is I know what I’m prioritizing, what I’m willing to sacrifice, and having these conversations with my husband.
The dilemma of being a working mother is real, but it doesn’t have to be heartbreaking. These decisions not only shape our child’s future, but reveal to us who we are. What we value. Who we will become.
In some ways, losing my identity to motherhood is starting to mean finding my identity as an individual.
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