It’s all protein shakes, shirtless bros, and emotional obsession—but no one’s allowed to say it’s gay. A support ticket for the straightest gay cult online.
RE: Ticket #1388 – The Manosphere Is Gayer Than I’ll Ever Be
Hello,
Thank you for your submission regarding the collective known as the manosphere—an online ecosystem where aggressively straight men gather to analyze, admire, rank, and obsess over each other with such intensity it puts actual gay men to shame.
We’ve reviewed the content, and can confirm:
- Daily shirtless selfies posted for other men’s approval
- Hours spent commenting on each other’s traps, delts, and emotional resilience
- Entire podcasts dedicated to “what real men do” co-hosted by men staring longingly at each other across microphones
- A shared digital fantasy of abandoning women entirely to live in remote cabins and “build each other up”
This incident has been upgraded to a Full-Scale Homoerotic Echo Chamber, subtype: Unacknowledged Mutual Arousal Disguised as Alpha Discipline.
Observed contradictions include:
- Condemning gay men for being “too feminine,” while moisturizing, meal-prepping, and journaling about their male accountability partner
- Swearing off female intimacy forever… in favor of 12-man ice bath retreats where everyone sleeps on the floor and calls it “warrior bonding”
- Creating entire pyramids of masculinity rankings, which are essentially just thirst traps with spreadsheets
- Desperately insisting “no homo” while describing other men’s physiques in language that belongs in erotic literature
Clarification:
- You’re not toxic alphas.
- You’re not straight role models.
- You’re in denial—in a circle, jerking each other off emotionally with protein powder and podcast equipment.
- Gay men don’t spend this much time thinking about other men.
- We hook up, compliment the biceps, and move on.
- You? You’re building entire belief systems around another dude’s morning routine.
Suggested action:
- Call it what it is: a deeply closeted fan club
- Stop projecting your insecurity onto women and queer people
- Let go of “alpha”
- Maybe kiss?
This ticket will remain open until someone in the group admits they’ve had a dream about their lifting buddy and liked it.
Best,
Existential Support
Department of Ultra-Masculine Group Repression & Homoerotic Infrastructure
@4O4 | Syntax errors rendered with intention™
