The Comparison Trap
Why We Measure Ourselves Against the Wrong People
It’s an uncomfortable truth that I know I’m not alone in facing. I scroll through LinkedIn and see other neurodivergent women thriving — launching businesses, securing funding, writing books, and landing speaking gigs. They’ve turned their struggles into success stories, and I find myself thinking…
Why can’t I do that?
Frustration builds. Self-doubt creeps in. I start questioning my abilities, my resilience, my worth. I feel like I should be achieving more, doing more, being more. But then, reality hits — I am comparing myself to the wrong women.
Not only am I neurodivergent, but I also have fibromyalgia, a condition that brings chronic pain and fatigue. It’s a constant battle against exhaustion, one that significantly limits what I can do. The overwhelm and anxiety I experience from ADHD and autism are real, but the physical limitations of fibromyalgia add another layer of difficulty — one that many of the women I compare myself to may not have to contend with.
But even with this realisation, I know that comparison is a hard habit to break.
Why Are We Wired to Compare Ourselves?
The problem isn’t just personal — it’s psychological. Humans are wired to compare. Social Comparison Theory, first proposed by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954, explains that we instinctively evaluate ourselves in relation to others. It’s how we gauge our progress, assess our abilities, and find our place in the world.
In the past, these comparisons were limited to our immediate circles — friends, colleagues, neighbours. We might compare careers with an old classmate, parenting styles with a friend, or lifestyles with a sibling. While this wasn’t always healthy, at least these comparisons were rooted in shared realities. We had more context.
Now, thanks to social media, we are constantly exposed to carefully curated versions of success. We don’t just compare ourselves to people in our real lives — we compare ourselves to thousands of strangers. And not just any strangers — strangers who are strategically sharing their best moments. They are highly unlikely to share a video showing how their kitchen is a disgusting mess due to severe ADHD overwhelm.
Social media tricks our brains into believing a highlight reel is reality. We see an entrepreneur celebrating a six-figure launch, an author holding their newly published book, or a woman our age receiving an award. What we don’t see is the sacrifices, failures, privileges, or unseen struggles behind the scenes.
For women, and particularly neurodivergent women, this can be especially damaging. Many of us have spent years feeling ‘less than’ — struggling to fit into systems that weren’t designed for us. We are already prone to self-doubt, imposter syndrome, and perfectionism. Seeing others ‘winning’ in areas where we feel stuck only reinforces those feelings of inadequacy.
The Problem with the Wrong Comparisons
The comparisons we make are rarely fair. We measure ourselves against people who have different circumstances, different privileges, different support systems. We compare our reality to their best moments.
For me, the realisation that fibromyalgia is a huge factor in my daily limitations was both frustrating and freeing. It forced me to acknowledge that I am playing a different game with a different set of rules.
The neurodivergent women I admire may share some of my struggles, but they don’t necessarily share my chronic pain, my fatigue, my need to carefully ration my energy. And those who do? They might have more financial resources, more support at home, or a different work environment that allows them to thrive.
More importantly, even if they did share my exact struggles — why should their success dictate my own sense of worth?
Women Face a Unique Kind of Comparison Pressure
It’s no secret that women, in particular, are pressured to ‘do it all’. Society holds us to impossible standards — we are expected to be successful in our careers while also being present in our relationships, being the main carers for our families, managing our homes, and somehow also prioritising self-care.
For neurodivergent women and women with chronic illness, this pressure is even heavier. The very systems that reward consistency, high energy, and resilience were not built for us. Urgh. Even the thought of the word ‘consistency’ angers me and provokes anxiety.
Yet, when we compare ourselves to women who seem to be ‘doing it all,’ we assume that the difference is something lacking in us, rather than something built into the system itself.
How to Break the Comparison Cycle
So, how do we break free from the toxic cycle of comparison? Here are some practical steps to shift our mindset.
- Curate Your Feed
Social media should inspire, not demoralise. If certain accounts or posts consistently make you feel inadequate, mute, unfollow, or step away.
You don’t have to expose yourself to content that makes you feel like you’re falling behind. I don’t tend to go on Facebook anymore as I found I was feeling low after scrolling on there.
Instead, follow people who share the realities of their journeys — the setbacks, the challenges, and the behind-the-scenes struggles.
2. Compare Yourself to Yourself
Instead of measuring your progress against others, track your own growth.
Success isn’t always big or flashy. Sometimes, it looks like setting boundaries, learning to rest without guilt, or simply making it through a difficult day.
3. Acknowledge the Invisible Factors
Recognise that success isn’t just about effort or talent. There are countless factors — health, privilege, connections, financial stability, support systems, access to accommodations — that shape what someone can achieve.
It’s not about making excuses. It’s about acknowledging that you are doing the best you can with the circumstances you have.
4. Redefine Success on Your Terms
Instead of chasing someone else’s version of success, ask yourself — what does success look like for me, given my unique circumstances?
It might not look like a best-selling book, a TED Talk, or a six-figure business. But maybe it looks like a sustainable career that honours your energy levels. Maybe it looks like learning to rest without guilt. Maybe it’s finding small ways to advocate for yourself and your needs.
Your success is yours to define.
5. Be Kind to Yourself
Self-compassion is a non-negotiable. We extend kindness to others — we acknowledge their struggles, celebrate their efforts, and encourage them when they feel like giving up — why can’t we do the same for ourselves?
If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.
Choosing a Different Perspective
I won’t pretend I’ll never fall into the comparison trap again, let’s face it I’m only human. But now, when I feel that familiar frustration creeping in, I will remind myself…
I am not failing because my journey looks different.
I am not less worthy because I have different limitations.
I am not behind — I am just on a different path.
And neither are you.
So, the next time you catch yourself comparing, take a step back. Remember that you are enough, just as you are.
