When Your Partner Doesn’t Want To Be a Team

Here’s how to handle it.

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Sometimes my boyfriend stares at me like I’m an alien sent down to earth to puzzle and terrify him. Then he remembers that I think whoever invented makeup sex should win a Nobel peace prize for making relationship wars enjoyable to end, and stops to consider my questions.

The question makes him tense up again and I idly wonder if he’s going to get whiplash. I could have asked any of a half dozen questions. When will I meet your Mom and sisters? (Yes, I know they live in other countries, but Zoom is a thing.) When will you feel comfortable sleeping in my bed? Or the biggest of big questions — for me, a commitment means we can move in together. When do you see this happening?

Some of the commitment-phobes out there just broke into a sweat, thinking about dealing with someone as direct as me. Or maybe you are in my shoes, wanting and hoping for more but not getting it.

If you are the one wanting more and hoping, asking for it, well every hesitation or no is a deeply felt rejection. And if you are the one hesitating, chances are you’ve been hurt before and fear just set your heart racing at hearing the question.

Here’s how you navigate the minefield of you and me not becoming we while minimizing everyone’s heartache.