Sleeping with Autism
Why I chose to embrace it
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d be sharing my bed with a child for near ten years.
Before becoming a parent, I was exceptional at predicting what a perfect mom I would be and what perfect children I would raise. My kids would always be well-groomed, fed nutritious food, behaved, polite, and definitely sleep in their own bedrooms.
I must have done something semi-right (or maybe wrong?) with my son because he loves his space. Even if I do want to snuggle with him at night, he’s quick to kick me out of his bedroom, so he can spread out and be comfortable.
My daughter is a completely different story.
From the moment she burst into this world, she did not want to be alone. A few days post-birth, one of the midwives, in response to my daughter’s relentless crying, put her in bed to sleep with me, even though it was against hospital policy.
Now, eight years later, not much has changed. My daughter has an extremely active imagination, lots of things are scary, bugs are apparently everywhere and she has a lot of nightmares. My daughter, put quite simply, does not like to be alone at night.
It seems a lot of people like to have an opinion on my daughter’s sleep habits. When I have casually mentioned that my daughter sleeps in bed with my husband and me, the most prevalent responses involve a level of judgment.
“She’s too old to sleep in your bed.”
“My kids have been sleeping in their own bed since they were six weeks old.”
“You’re the parent, just make her sleep in her own bed.”
“She’s got you wrapped around her little finger.”
What people don’t understand is the significant impact autism has on sleep. Extensive has identified children with autism to have rapid eye movement () sleep disruptions, initiation and maintenance of sleep and they get than their neurotypical peers.
In addition, people with autism are more likely to have an anxiety disorder and in one , over 40% of children with autism had unusual fears, whilst an even higher percentage had common fears.
Before my husband and I realized our daughter had autism we attempted a lot of sleep strategies, some kind, some a little barbaric.
We’ve been to sleep school where child specialists taught me the ‘gentle’ cry-it-out method. After almost a week of sleep school, they sent us home, having made minimal progress. The staff encouraged us to seek alternate professional help. I’m still not sure who they were referring to.
We’ve had a sleep consultant come to our house. She tried to put in place similar strategies to sleep school and again gave up a few nights in because the exhaustion was wearing her thin too.
I spent a whole weekend renovating my daughter’s bedroom, painting it, putting up pretty wallpaper, getting beautiful linen and pillows and fairy lights, to make enticing space she couldn’t resist.
We’ve tried (and continue) therapy with a psychologist and child psychiatrist, initiated medication, set up bravery challenges and rewards systems.
I feel terrible confessing this and appreciate that it may make me a horrible mother, but through sheer exasperation, I even locked my daughter in her room. She screamed for about six hours inside her room, whilst I silently sobbed on the other side of the door, before I gave in.
We’ve tried bribery, promising to buy her favorite toys if she slept in her room.
I bought her an amazing bed tent, epic night lights, and made music playlists.
No luck. None of these strategies have resulted in long-term gain with my daughter always ending up back in my bed.
With an autism diagnosis, my husband and I finally reached a point of understanding and acceptance. At this time in our daughter’s life, no amount of coercion, enticement, or forcefulness will help the situation.
She just needs to feel secure.
Last night my daughter was so scared of a cockroach she had seen earlier in the day that she could not sleep. As she lay in between my husband and me, with both our arms enveloping her, her rapid breathing started to slow.
My daughter wasn’t being naughty, she wasn’t being defiant, she was just genuinely petrified.
At that moment, I couldn’t possibly love her anymore. I wanted to swallow up her fear and hold her until the end of time.
So yes, right now I’m embracing co-sleeping.
I know my daughter won’t be in my bed forever. I know that she will build resilience and overcome fears as she grows and develops.
Today I’m just doing the best I can to be her safe place.
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