When Do I Get to Be the Kid?

Growing up as the oldest in an unstable environment

Photo by on

Is being the oldest a curse? Is it like this for others? Does having good parents vs abusive ones change the outcome?

I have spent my entire life being the parent, the therapist and the shoulder to lean on. For those who hurt me, who I protected and for those I met along the way.

I am the oldest. I am the protector. When do I get to just be a person?

My father was abusive in every way imaginable. He found every opportunity to complain about my mom, his life, my stepmom and us children. I was the go-to for his relationship problems from the age of twelve. This caused a lot of discord from my stepmom, especially with the sexual abuse allegations that she chose to ignore when I was almost nine.

There would be nights I was kept awake to listen to him vent about his life.

“I’m disabled. I was born this way and the world has always had it out for me. Why can’t you kids understand my trauma?”

Or it was another angry rant about him being cheated on by my stepmom. Apparently, we had it good because he chose not to leave us in the system despite how hard life was for him.