It Was Toxic, But Was It Still Real?

What happens to the beautiful moments in an unhealthy relationship?

Photo by author

It was anger, largely, that afforded me the ability to break free.

I utilized my mounting disgust to look at a cycle of abuse and devastation and finally throw in the towel. It was focusing on all that I had lost, all that I had participated in, all that still made me nauseous with anxiety to consider that served as my crutches toward freedom.

She had caused a lot of harm, and so had I. We brought out the worst in each other, more often than not. We enabled the illest of our ways in the name of understanding. Under the guise of “unconditional love”.

And, almost one year later, I still have so much healing to do from this friendship that spanned about fifteen years. This friendship that was, for most of my life and all of my very impressionable, identity-forming years, the crux of my reality.

But does all of the toxicity eliminate all of the good?

My Photos app puts together memory montages and she is often the star. She was at the forefront of so many of my memories for so many years. These short videos portray two friends in the throes of laughter, at concerts that felt like lifelines, posing with an outrageously large baby bump. Making light…