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THE ONION WON’T HIRE ME, SO…
Popular Teen With Mild Concentration Issues Proudly Declares Self Neurodivergent
“I always knew I was different.”
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YONKERS, NY — After receiving test results revealing a minor difficulty concentrating, local high school senior Dan Lewis — known for his popularity, good looks, and natural charisma — is now proudly declaring himself to be “neurodivergent.”
“I always knew I was different,” Lewis said today with an air of false humility. As he strode down the hallway trailed by a gaggle of girls, he added, “But it’s nice to finally make it official. Now I know why I’ve always felt so marginalized.”
Waving the printed test scores in front of him like an award, the class president and captain of the football team then quipped, “What’s up, ladies? I get unlimited time on the SATs now!”
“It’s just good to know that there’s a name for this, you know?” he said as he walked hand in hand with the head cheerleader, giving little thought to the kids in the corner struggling with profound anxiety, social difficulties, and sensory issues.
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