It Was Not Childhood Bullying, It Was Attempted Murder.

And an Ayahuasca ceremony helped me remember it.

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It was during the last Ayahuasca journey that I remembered the terror from my childhood bullying experience.

Before that, I only remembered the “fact” of it. Kind of like how I know Mars exists, but I don’t know what life on Mars feels like. Likewise, I didn’t remember what it felt like to be almost choked to death.

I retained some memory of the before — me, in my new dress, hoping to make friends at a new school. Innocent child words were said, but I don’t remember what they were. Then there was him, a 9-year-old boy fueled by rage and hatred as he lunged and wrapped his fingers around my neck.

I also remembered the after, me with my head buried in my arms, watching tears and snot gather on my elementary school desk.

Somewhere between the before and after was the actual choking. But up until now, I hadn’t remembered what it felt like or whether I’d been conscious.

I do know that everything changed in me from that day forward. Whoever I’d been before was blown away like a Tibetan sand mandala, built and destroyed in a short time.

I also know who I became after the incident — unfocused, day-dreamer, unmotivated, false…