SATIRE

I Can’t Support Respect For Marriage Because I, A Democratic Senator, Know Gay Marriage Causes Inflation

I’d much rather be anything than be inflated

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Coal-miners and other Americans: I am a Democratic Senator and I just heard that the House has passed the Respect For Marriage Act. I’m guessing that very soon, this bill will be in front of the Senate, and that Democrats will be holding out their hands, once again, begging me to betray my deepest interests and vote in alignment with my party. I just want to say right now that I can’t support this bill because it’s clear to me that gay marriage causes inflation.

Some people are going to use my words to say I’m not for equal rights. Others are going to allege that I’m not for making progress. Both these accusations, while appearing irrefutable, are wholly and totally true. I care equally and without discrimination about coal, my family business and my donors, and right now, I couldn’t care less about the dangerous runaway monster that is threatening the common man, plus of course the equally common woman and uncommon non-binary people: inflation.

I see some of you shaking your heads in disbelief. Seriously? You doubt my words? Did y’all not see the movie My Big Fat Gay Wedding?