I’ve Never Felt Sexual Attraction
Spoiler alert: it’s not a phase
I grew up in a generation that preached the acceptability of attraction to the same gender, to the opposite gender, and to both genders. But no one ever mentioned not being attracted to anyone at all.
This left me feeling perplexed because I’ve never been attracted to anyone.
My attempts to explain this were usually met with an almost condescending disbelief. It’s just a phase. You just haven’t met the right person. You just haven’t had good sex.
So many just’s.
All about sex
I’ve always conceptualized desire for sex as a universal constant. Everyone talks about it. Everyone enjoys it. Everyone wants it.
It’s a natural human drive, an innate animal instinct— it’s procreation, evolution, and survival. Teenagers strive to establish their sexual orientation. People date, fool around, watch porn, experiment, have affairs, visit sex therapists, complain about their sex lives—sex, sex, sex. Sex. Sex!
Everything I knew of love between partners involved physicality. From sex scenes in movies to girl talk with friends, there seemed to be a magnetic pull towards physical contact. An arm draped around a shoulder, hands lightly clasped, the brush of one pair of lips against another—the trajectory of every love interest I’ve ever heard of, has always led to the physical.
This was alien to me and I’ve always had trouble mapping my experiences onto those of others because I simply can’t relate. I’ve never been interested in boys. Or girls. Or physical contact in general. I’m not repulsed or disgusted or scared; I’m simply disinterested.
The difference between ice cream and coffee
I could live without ice cream. If I never ate it again, I’d be fine. It probably wouldn’t cross my mind, honestly. Is ice cream pleasant? Yes. If my partner offered me a bowl of ice cream, would I eat it? If I was in the mood, sure. But if I saw an ice cream shop across the street, I wouldn’t make an effort to stop by. I don’t crave it.
Barcelonan artist Laia Abril created the , a photo series meant to illustrate the multifaceted nature of asexuality. One of the men she interviewed, Alex, described sex better than I ever could, myself :
“It’s like playing a game of cards or going for a walk.” (Alex, age 24, Italy).
It’s just an activity for me. I’m neutral towards it.
Coffee, on the other hand? I crave it. I need it. I can’t imagine my life without it. I think about coffee when I don’t have it. If I pass by a coffee shop, I’m indulging without a doubt. Coffee is exhilarating, rejuvenating, necessary.
For me, sex is ice cream rather than coffee.
Does cuddling count?
Given my offbeat disposition towards the physical, I came to the conclusion that I simply wasn’t compatible with anyone and couldn’t be in a relationship. Then, I met someone who sure felt like my significant other. I experienced that click. That spark. Yet I still had no desire for sexual intimacy. How did that make sense? Didn’t having a significant other entail, well, s e x? Or at least some form of sexual attraction?
I didn’t even feel physical attraction, in the way everyone else described. Did I appreciate how my partner looked, aesthetically? For sure. But honestly, I just liked hanging out. Talking. Being together. Cuddling, handholding, and hugging seemed to be my cozy n’ comfortable limit. I didn’t want, let alone need, anything else.
So what are we, friends?
I struggled to determine whether it was fair for me to be in a relationship, given that I didn’t feel sexual attraction. After all, I have deep emotional bonds with my friends. I hug them. Heck, I’ve held hands with friends and even cuddled, while still being completely platonic, without a doubt. In that case… What’s the difference between a friend and a partner?
At best, I was depriving someone I loved, of their full experience as a sexual human being. Even if I decided to incorporate sex into the relationship, I’d be on a different wavelength. Sex wouldn’t be the same for me as it was for them, because it wasn’t something I ever desired. At worst, I might be mistakenly concluding I was in love, deluding both myself and my partner. I knew how I felt but I experienced doubt because of how I thought love was supposed to feel. I worried that what I felt wasn’t enough to qualify.
Putting a name to the feeling
Simply put, asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction. That being said, it’s an umbrella term and asexuals exist on a spectrum from zero to little sexual attraction. Some may identify as demisexual and only experience sexual attraction after a deep emotional bond has been formed with their partner. Others may identify as graysexual, existing somewhere between sexual and asexual (they experience sexual attraction only some of the time).¹
Asexuality as a romantic orientation
Some asexuals may crave a romantic relationship, without the desire to be sexually involved with their partner. This attraction can be homo-romantic (to someone of the same gender), hetero-romantic (to someone of the opposite gender), bi-romantic (to someone of either gender), and a variety of others.
This romantic attraction may also involve sensual/physical attraction: the desire to engage with someone in a tactile but non-sexual way (ex. hugging or cuddling).
Other asexuals may identify as aromantic and have no desire for an intimate relationship with a partner.²
Asexuality as a sexual orientation
Some asexuals masturbate because they may enjoy sexual pleasure without the involvement of another person.
Some asexuals may have sex with their partner for a variety of reasons (ex. to conceive children or to deepen their emotional connection with their partner).
Some asexuals don’t engage in any form of sexual behavior at all.
Some are sex-neutral and some are sex-repulsed.
Asexuality, like all sexual orientations, is not a rigid category—everyone has their own, unique combination of desires and boundaries.³
Myths
Asexuality = an illness
There are medical conditions that concern anxiety related to sexual activity (Sexual Aversion Disorder, for example) but asexuality is not one of them. Most asexuals don’t feel anxiety about sexual activity, they merely have no interest in it. Any anxiety they do feel is most often related to the societal expectation that all people feel sexual attraction.
Asexuals are not ill or broken:)
- Asexuality = celibacy
Asexuals don’t choose to abstain from sex, they simply have no desire for it. Plus, not all asexuals abstain from sex!⁴
What is love?
For me, this has always been the central question. Having a label to legitimize what I felt was helpful, but what I really wanted to know was : is what I feel, enough? Can I be in love and in a relationship, even though I’m asexual? Can I do this without depriving my partner of what they need?
My conclusion: absolutely. I’ve never been able to relate to how others experience falling in love, but I know what it feels like for me. And quite frankly, that’s all that matters. To hell with what everyone else experiences—it doesn’t make what I feel, subpar.
As for whether I can be in a relationship—no one is incapable of being in a relationship. I know what I need in a relationship and my partner can decide whether I’m meeting their needs or not. It all comes down to honest conversation.
A note on talking to others about sexuality
It can be tempting to project our understanding of sexuality onto others, especially if our experiences match what is predominantly portrayed as “normal”, in society. However, sexuality is wildly diverse and everyone has a nuanced sexual orientation. Listen to understand. Ask questions to clear up your own misunderstandings, rather than to antagonize and challenge. There is no precise definition of what it means to be heterosexual, bisexual, asexual, pansexual, or any other orientation. Engage with the subjective definition provided by the individual you’re speaking to.
Finally, whatever you may feel regarding your own sexuality, is valid and worthy of your belief in it. What you feel is real and you are fully entitled to the freedom of setting your own boundaries and creating your own definitions.
[1] by The Trevor Project
[2] by Kristin S. Scherrer
[3] by AVEN
[4] by Yasmin Benoit
