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PERSONAL NARRATIVE | SEXUALITY
The Trust In Non-Consent
Even though I hated the reality of being powerless, I love the fantasy of it.
Even though I understand the psychology of it, the continued desire for non-consent after being subjected to it in an abusive relationship still feels like a paradox. I’d had fantasies about being forced into sexual situations since I first started having sexual fantasies. When I experienced it in earnest, with a boyfriend in college, I stuck around for a long time, despite hating the way he treated me and the way my objections didn’t matter. And yet on the other side of that experience, non-consent still turns me on. How is this possible?
I didn’t have any unfortunate childhood experiences, no abuse, yet as I hit puberty, I fantasized about forceful sexual situations. I imagined being kidnapped, being experimented with, being touched against my will. None of this happened in reality and I didn’t even have my first kiss until I was sixteen!
I lost my virginity in college, at nineteen, with a boyfriend whom I loved. We both felt like we were arriving at our sexuality late and were eager to catch up. We experimented, a lot, and had a very happy sex life for over a year. It wasn’t until later that this same boyfriend had become abusive, demanding sex…
