Toxic & Tonic
Sketch of a co-dependent partner
That day, I wrote till my fingers bled
and my blood turned blue.
That day, I wrote for you.
That day, I hoped for you.
That day, I ached for you.
To me, a home has been both —
heaven and hell.
And those who loved me best
had the harshest yell.
I know you didn’t mean to hurt.
Loving can be papercuts.
So, I wrote a version of you
that’s pure myth —
a vain wish of my conflicted,
starved heart
that doesn’t know to quit.
Pages upon pages piled up.
Torn. Wrinkled.
Mingled with my skin.
When I was done, you were all over me.
My body. My doing.
I let you sink in. Deeper into my skin.
Percolating through the pores.
Staining my soul.
Reaching where no one had been,
where no one was allowed.
Now I smell of you.
The idea of you and the reality of you.
And they do not catch up.
I scrub and peel harder and harder.
Layer after layer comes off.
And yet, you’re there.
Like sturdy roots burrow into
the yielding moist earth,
I let your shadows innervate my being.
Now, I cannot rid of you.
Not without shredding my soul.
I have to let you stay.
‘Cause if and when you go down,
you will drag me along.
Author’s note: If this poem resonates with you, it may indicate you have been (or are) in a co-dependent relationship or understand its dynamics.
A relationship is called co-dependent if one person takes up nearly all responsibility (care-taking, blame, accountability, etc.) and the other person takes advantage (blaming, guilt-tripping, being unreasonable or irresponsible, denying accountability, etc.).
A co-dependent relationship is intense and emotionally unstable. The good part is excellent, and the bad part is terrible. However, the relationship continues because the people involved do not understand and know what healthy relationships look and feel like.
The person playing the ‘caretaker’ role sees the ‘potential’ in the relationship and the ‘possibility’ to make things work even though the other person runs hot and cold. This is mainly because the ‘caretaker’ person has learnt that love and abuse can come from the same person and is unfamiliar with what safety and stability in love feel like.
The caretaker role-player may also feel they are not worthy and hence settle for poor treatment from their partner, or they may stay because they don’t want to be one to leave someone who needs help. The idea of giving up on someone may be causing inappropriate guilt or shame, causing them to stay when they should not.
Please seek help if any of this resonates with you. The purpose of healthy relationships is individual and mutual growth and fulfilment. If your needs are not being met or you feel abused and disrespected, consider visiting a relationship counsellor or mental health practitioner. Visit alone even if your partner (or family member) is unwilling. Understanding your part in the dysfunctional dynamic will be a good start.
© Anushree Bose November 2023 — Present. All Rights Reserved.
Disclaimer: This advice is intended for general knowledge and should not be considered a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, intervention or treatment. Please consult with your mental health professional or other qualified healthcare provider if you are suffering.
