Sending a Letter of Affirmation to My Eighteen-Year-Old Closeted Gay Self
Looking Back on My Journey as a Gay Man as I Enter My Seventies
For the past five years, I’ve been writing letters to my future self through , an app that emails these thoughts to a future time. On my birthday, I jot down my reflections on the past year and share my hopes for the year ahead.
Approaching seventy-one, I’ve read many letters to younger selves. I found the practice intriguing, comforting, and healing. Inspired by others, I’m writing a letter to my past self.
My letter is to my 18-year-old self. That was the age I first believed I could truly make a change in my life. It was the moment I longed to put behind years of fear, confusion, and isolation that came with growing up gay in a world that didn’t understand me.
Dear Tom,
It may be difficult to imagine, but this letter was written by you on your 71st birthday. Yes, you make it that far. Hold onto hope. The dark times will pass, and you will not only survive but flourish as the happy out gay man you are dreaming of today.
It would be comforting to say the road ahead gets easier. The truth is that challenges remain in many ways. That’s life’s constant. The profound discovery we make is finding ourselves. We find love and become part of an accepting community. The days of hiding end, and our true lives unfold.
Those feelings of being different? Of being outside looking in? They fade away when we meet other gay men and realize we are not and never were alone. The most important thing to know is that our life belongs to us and no one else. You guard it fiercely, my friend.
We spent years trying to be what others expected, or what they would tolerate. Hiding our true self is stressful and exhausting. We did that for so long. You know that. You want to break free, and you will. It begins with understanding that life starts when you stop hiding by walking out of the closet.
Coming Out Begins with Self-love.
Self-love is essential. Until you love yourself, you cannot love or be loved by others. This may be difficult to understand now, but it will make sense over time.
Coming out isn’t a single moment. It’s a lifelong journey. Each new friend, coworker, or person we meet has us asking ourselves, ‘Can I be myself here?’ Straight people don’t have to ask that. We do time and time again. It becomes second nature and more comfortable as time passes. It takes courage to live openly. We gather that strength again and again.
Your Pain Becomes Your Power.
You’ve endured a lot. The slurs. The cruel jokes. The silence. The shame. You learned to hide and carry those wounds silently, even as they cut deeper and deeper. Those painful experiences served us well. They deepened our self-image, resilience, and strength.
Protecting ourselves is important. It’s tiring at times, but we learn how to balance being open with staying safe, all without needing to be confrontational.
Not Everyone Accepts Us and That’s Okay.
Our life gets better over time. It won’t be the perfect life you dream of today. Acceptance from everyone isn’t guaranteed, but their lack of it is their problem, not yours. Refuse to bear the burdens others try to impose. It’s theirs alone to carry.
We find peace in finding our people, those who see us, celebrate us, and love us unconditionally. We learn when to walk away and how to protect our happiness and joys from those who try to diminish them.
We face challenges within the gay community. Too often, other gay men judge or divide us based on things like looks, age, masculinity, how we express ourselves, or our race. Sadly, dealing with this is part of what it means to be a gay man.
We find many communities that accept us without limitations and preconceptions. We find places where we are seen, heard, and appreciated. We are accepted and celebrated for our once-hidden individuality.
Our Faith Evolves and Deepens.
You’re at a crossroads with your faith right now. Our parents planted and nurtured those seeds, but you’ve stepped away from the church. That’s okay. You needed that distance to reclaim that faith.
Here’s something unexpected. Our faith returns stronger, with more purpose, and with a more inclusive meaning. Not only do we reclaim our faith, but we are part of making the church a welcoming space for gay people. I know that it is incomprehensible now, but it becomes one of the most meaningful parts of our life.
Your Gay World Expands.
The gay community you seek to be part of is only a part of a much wider range of sexualities. We come to understand and embrace this broader spectrum.
We reclaim the word ‘queer.’ It becomes a powerful, inclusive identity that celebrates our community’s diversity and individuality.
We acknowledge that people of all sexualities face their struggles in living authentically. Embracing this broader, more inclusive community becomes one of our greatest strengths.
Love, Joy, and Freedom Await.
The road ahead presents challenges, but it is profoundly rewarding. We experience love building a long-term life with our husband, culminating in our legal marriage. We live authentically embracing the happiness we once denied ourselves.
You won’t hide anymore. You won’t feel like an outsider.
The First 18 Years Shaped Us.
Our school years were contradictory, filled with pain, joy, fear, and discovery. Although you see yourself as weak and burdened by mistakes, acknowledge the strength gained from our self-imposed solitude. You are not alone. Many young gay men feel the same way you do now.
Things will change. You change. A bigger, bolder life is ahead for us.
Thank You for Holding On.
The secrets we carried left us isolated and afraid to reveal our true selves. Yet our strength, our choice to endure even in our darkest times, made it possible for us to live life fully. Thank you for holding on. You dared to believe in the possibility of something better. And you were right. There was. And there is.
With love and deep appreciation,
Tom
Older, wiser, gayer, and happier!
