I Am More Than My Dysphoria
Transgender transitions: Reflections from the other side
Photo by Nicholas Rudolf, Studio 5 Baltimore
“You can’t hate someone whose story you know.”
— Margaret J. Wheatley
I am a Transgender woman.
I completed my legal transition in August 2021 and my medical transition in May 2022. I am entirely—physically, and legally—a woman. The old man is dead.
My Dysphoria
I’ve previously written that my dysphoria felt like an irritation that was always just under the surface. I was living with a perpetual anger or chip on my shoulder. Elliot Page described it as “a constant noise.” Regardless of description, it burns energy and demands complete and constant attention.
But what is Gender Dysphoria? It’s a hatred of looking in the mirror. It’s the person looking back at me not being who I was and the need to desperately hide who I wasn’t. For me, it manifested in not leaving my bedroom or bathroom unless I was fully clothed. I saw this as hiding a birth defect. Seeing myself killed my self-esteem. Dysphoria was the ultimate in Body Negativity. My transition was about finally addressing that extreme body negativity.
My Coach
A successful transition requires the support of a coaching team. I had a boyhood. I wasn’t socialized as female, and Mom didn’t teach about undergarments or anything else womanly. Early in my transition, as the hormones I take started working their magic, I needed some education about bras. So I had to start somewhere. That somewhere was a Google search.
That’s how I found Kimmay Caldwell. Kimmay, undergarment educator and self-love coach, is one of the sweetest and smartest women I know. She is also the creator of the More Than My Numbers project (). I became a stealth follower of her blog and took her Bra Confidence and Comfort course. She didn’t know it, but she had become a member of my coaching team. Through her course and blog I learned how to measure myself, the different styles of bras, and the fact that sizing varies among manufacturers. There is no single bra measurement that is the only one that fits comfortably.
Kimmay and I actually met after she announced her move to Oklahoma. I was living there at the time and I sent her a welcome email. To my surprise she responded. As time went on we became friends.
Numbers Don’t Define Us
More Than My Numbers is about teaching women (and men) that numbers are information. They are not our definition. It’s about understanding that as a society we’re into measuring people and defining them based on those measurements. It’s about undoing what starts in our school years. We measure GPA, athletic prowess, weight, and especially for young women, attractiveness. There’s the expectation of measuring up, and failure to do so usually leads to ridicule by peers and often by parents.
Kimmay is working to put all those definitions back into perspective. The idea is to release the stigma associated with measurements like weight, salary, age, number of lovers, followers, bra size, etc. The goal is to educate and inspire people and foster a community that lets go of judgment. As Kimmay says, “to say hurray inside, outside, and underneath!”
Call it learning Body Positivity or at least Body Neutrality.
What I See In the Mirror
Since my transition, my opinion of my body has totally changed.
I like what I see in the mirror. I see an attractive woman who is totally comfortable in her 48–32–37 skin. Before, where I would not leave the bedroom unless fully clothed, I now don’t think twice about wandering around the house naked. I like my clothing options. I like the brighter colors and the lighter fabrics. I enjoy how I look in a dress or a skirt. I enjoy flowery patterns in my tops. I enjoy my nightgowns, my lace, and my undergarments.
I no longer measure myself in the mirror. I’m proud of my body and at peace with myself! I love how I navigate the world now, and I appreciate how the world generally responds to me. I love being a little flirty. I find a little bit of sexiness, within reason, is fun. I’m more outgoing and have grown into a larger group of closer friends. I no longer have that irritation, chip, or constant noise. I am not a trans woman; I am just a woman.
My Photo Shoot
On Friday, May 5th, 2023, I put my newfound bodily confidence on display.
Kimmay invited me to participate in the new More Than My Numbers photo shoot. Her only caveat was that I would be modeling underwear. I jumped at the opportunity.
From 8:30 AM to 5:00 PM, six other women and I modeled various manufacturers, brands, and sizes of undergarments. Most of the women Kimmay fits are in their 50s and 60s, and I learned what makes 165+ million U.S. females the same is that we’re all different. Each of us is unique at least when it comes to the challenge of bra fitting!
During the shoot, I was asked to choose a word or a thought I would keep in mind while I danced around and moved for the photographer, Nick. By now, you can probably imagine the word I chose. The word I chose was “peace”. The feeling of being at peace with myself is still very potent.
Photo by Nicholas Rudolf, Studio 5 Baltimore
My Path Unfolds
At the end of the day, Kimmay presented me with a deck of postcards from which I could choose one. We turned the deck upside down so I couldn’t see what the cards said, and we fanned them out. I pulled one out slightly on the right of the fanned-out stack. It reads, “My path unfolds in perfect timing.” Here I am as I reflect on my life, especially the last five years; that card is perfectly correct. So it has now proudly taken its place on the refrigerator door.
I am more than my numbers and more than my dysphoria. It’s been a long journey. However, I made it. I’m proud of myself and at peace with my life now.
