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A Gay Therapist Speaks on the Queer Intimacy Paradox
On breaking free from self-protective patterns when queer people crave but struggle to build deep connections
I recall a client breaking down during a therapy session. “I have everything — a great job, friends, dates whenever I want them. So why do I feel so goddamn alone?”
His words hit me hard because I’ve heard versions of this same pain hundreds of times in my practice.
After years of counseling LGBTQ+ folks through their relationships, I’ve come to recognize this isn’t just random emotional baggage — it’s a shared wound carved by our collective experience.
While my work as a therapist focuses mainly on gay men, I’ve found these patterns echo across the broader queer community. The specifics might shift, but the core story remains: we desperately want deep connection while simultaneously armoring ourselves against it.
The Hidden Wound
I remember my own journey with this paradox.
Even as I built my career in psychology and helped others navigate their relationships, I struggled with letting people truly see me. It wasn’t until I faced my own intimacy barriers that I could fully understand what my clients were going…
