Learning To Not Trust Myself Improved My Life
Sometimes you have to meet yourself where you are at.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t trust myself.
Before you curb stomp me into next week about positive mindsets and toxic internal messaging, I’m happy to re-frame it.
I know that my attention is fleeting and I benefit from intentional systems to keep myself organized.
Better?
It’s not about doubting yourself. It’s about understanding your needs, and inspiring yourself to make changes so you can thrive.
When I say I don’t trust myself, what I mean is:
- I don’t trust that I won’t get distracted
- I don’t trust that I will remember something
- I don’t trust that I will do things in moderation
A lot of people can relate to this uncertainty of their own discipline or lack of brain space.
Even as a person with high-functioning ADHD, they described me as distracted. Distraction, as a whole, has cost me a lot.
Six years ago, I bought a car — in cash — for $8,000
After a week, I totaled it.
I rear-ended someone because I got distracted by a text from a friend. The driver turned left into a parking lot, and I wasn’t paying attention.
Thank God no one was harmed.
It goes without saying that was a stupid and completely avoidable mistake.
I drove with unearned confidence. Thinking phone-related accidents only happened to people who were bad at multi-tasking.
Until it happened to me.
Things that challenge our character can be difficult to process. We’re always told to trust our gut, to follow our hearts.
These mantras make it hard to come to terms with the fact we may craft images of ourselves we don’t exactly fit into.
Sometimes you have to meet yourself where you’re at.
There’s no shame in that. It’ll help you to stop harming your peace.
For instance, I like to think I’m pretty self-aware.
And while I can hindsight the sh*t out of my experiences and reactions, I can’t seem to stop locking myself out of my car.
I needed to delegate
My calendars, to-do and self-care / habit apps became my life-line
I’ve got reminders up the wah-zoo. Every Sunday I reset by filling out the calendar above my desk and on my computer.
As soon as a thought comes to me, it goes into my notes app.
I’ll tell my partner, “Oh man, looks like we need dish soap.”
That thought immediately goes onto my calendar as a task or I add it to my cart on Amazon for later.
I also have a “launchpad” at my door that has my keys, and I bought a wallet phone case. That way, I only have to remember two things and my keys are right where I need them.
I know that everyone says the wallet phone-cases are ugly, but let me live, okay?
I try to make sure my goofy-ass messages to co-workers don’t end up in the team Slack channel instead on accident.
Saves me from an uncomfortable meeting with my boss and a screenshot of my message on the projector.
I needed something to make up for my lack of self-control
I can’t drink alcohol anymore. So, I don’t go to bars or drinking events
For the most part, I don’t bring it into my house. (Hey man, Snoop Dog wine on Valentine’s Day doesn’t count, for obvious reasons.)
I’m also a snacker at heart, which is fine! But I have no self-control
I have a bad habit of mindless eating while working.
My partner started to split my Skittles into two zip-lock baggies for me, then only gave me half.
That was his polite and quiet way of saying: “Stop.” Which, to be fair, helped a lot with tummy aches and unnecessary weight gain.
Another example, is that I can get lost in the metaphorical sauce when it comes to things I’m working on.
I’ll forget to take care of myself. I won’t drink water, and I generally won’t eat much more than two small meals a day.
Then all of a sudden I’m bent over a toilet bowl wondering why I feel so ill.
I work for 50 minutes, then take a 10 minute break to make food or drink water. Or, 45 minutes and a 5 minute break for water and reading to give my brain a break from my screen.
I have a lot of productivity anxiety, and will fuss over my work forever. When the timer goes off, it gives me permission to take a break.
Adding a Pomodoro to my work routine was a small change that made a huge difference to my well-being.
With these tools, I feel more energized, less scattered, and I don’t fall victim to brain fog.
I actually get things done that I set out to do, and then some.
Learning to not trust myself wasn’t a moment of defeat.
It was freeing.
It’s where I’m at right now. Something I can change with enough ease or friction between me and the thing I lack discipline with.
It’s not realistic to expect an ingrained habit to go away without changing your behavior.
Once I leveled with myself, and figured out why I struggle with certain things — it saved me from a lot of headaches.
So, just start there.
What do you have trouble with? What would make it easier?
