Everything You’re Eating Will Kill You

Stop chewing. Right. Now.

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This is a serious issue you guys, so listen close:

Remember that rubbish they taught us in school about ‘balanced meals’ and eating all food groups in the food pyramid?

Yeah, following that is going to kill you.

This is no exaggeration and by the end of this post, you’ll want to form a starvation pact. Let’s begin!

Meat:

1- Red meat has been linked to colon cancer, high cholesterol and heart disease.

2- Farmed chicken is evil on so many levels. At best you’re eating a deformed chicken that never saw the light of day and barely survived the crushing weight of hundreds of other chickens. The worst scenario is you’ll probably be eating a chicken that’s been pumped with so many hormones, they’ll get your husband growing bigger boobs than you.

3- Eggs. This one is self-explanatory. Come on, they come out of the butt-holes of diseased birds. Just…eww.

4- Fish live in seas polluted by chemicals and human waste. Do you want your cod fillet with a hint of poop or petroleum?

Now dairy:

Dairy is terrible. Really, who wants all that phlegm and gas? Plus it’s also been associated with cancer and…