What makes a successful marriage?
Marriage is often seen as the ultimate expression of love and commitment between two individuals. However, the journey to a successful marriage is not always smooth sailing.
I dreamed of the day when I’d meet my Prince Charming, fall in love, and get married. It happened!
Gary and I met in McCall, Idaho, on the 4th of July 1970. Afterwards, I would see him at Boise State College on campus. Later, we started dating, and our attraction grew stronger. On October 1, 1971, Gary asked me to marry him. It was just like a fairy tale.
Every great love story deserves a fairy tale ending.
Unveiling the Foundation of Lasting Love
What I’ve learned over the years is that what truly defines success in a relationship goes beyond attraction and love. It’s building a strong, enduring bond.
When you are first married, everything is heavenly until that first argument. Sooner or later, there will be more seemingly unending disagreements.
When I married at 22 in 1972, around 50% of first marriages ended in divorce in less than 8 years. It was unnerving because divorce was close to home. Wow, my husband’s parents and one of his sisters were divorced, my brother was divorced, and the best man was getting a divorce.
My sights were set on a long and happy marriage. I was committed to one man, my soul mate. Yet, I couldn’t help but wonder, what makes a successful marriage?
Will I Live Happily Ever After?
So, how do you turn your marriage into a happily ever after?
To begin with, know thyself.
What makes you happy so that you feel good, have positive emotions, have a sense of well-being, and feel comfortable and content?
· It’s having self-love first and foremost. How so?
Be happy! It’s knowing oneself physically, emotionally, psychologically, and intellectually; believing in oneself to fulfill dreams, achieve goals, cope with obstacles, grasp opportunities; being oneself by having a positive self-image; liking oneself by being one’s own best friend; enjoying oneself by appreciating life’s joys.
· Marriage is building a long-lasting relationship, which means putting “us” into the equation. Respect and trust are the foundation of any lasting relationship. Without it, love can quickly deteriorate.
This entails being reliable by following through on promises and commitments; not keeping secrets — no lies or cheating — being open and honest; having mutual respect of boundaries, values, and individuality.
· Knowing, understanding, and balancing needs and gender differences is challenging in creating a union that embraces the diversity of values, opinions, interests, and preferences.
When a couple is married, the most surprising habits and preferences surface. In essence, living together brings out our full character. We show our hygiene habits, talent for cooking, attention to detail in dressing and cleaning, food preferences, etc.
Men want things to be functional and exciting. Men operate within a male system. This means they protect their ego and must always feel in control. Many men consider it a weakness to reveal their inner selves, even to their wives.
Women want things to be safe and predictable. Women are raised to promote a belief system that revolves around personal and family relationships. This means nurturing a relationship based on relating, listening, talking, and understanding.
Will I be forever in love?
Hmm, can love last forever? It depends. Love is one of the most profound and complex emotions. Three significant factors influence the longevity of love.
1. Distinction between loving and being in love.
Loving is an art. At birth, we begin learning to love various people in our lives. Loving can be pleasurable because it is exciting, exhilarating, and risky. It can also be painful because we feel vulnerable and sensitive. Simply stated, loving is a giving of oneself.
Being in love is a dynamic, impromptu relationship. There’s a strong chemistry, feeling, and desire to create a future together based on mutual commitment.
2. Love is fleeting.
An individual’s mood can change at any moment, resulting in arguments. Arguments arise from contradictory opinions, bad moods, lack of communication, patience, or consideration.
What is important is how the couple handles each situation through communication. The best part of resolving a problem is the kissing and the making up with one another.
3. Love is an intense emotion.
The fiber of lasting love is the ability to cope with the emotions of conflict, such as anger.
Anger is a positive warning signal, signifying discord, that must be identified and dealt with. It is important to recognize that anger is part of the growing together process.
In an angry situation, the concern is to identify the cause for the anger rather than reacting by venting, suppressing, or running away from it. It is not always possible to be rational during a heated confrontation because the aggressor is lashing out in some manner while the other is taking a defensive posture.
As a couple, will we become one?
For me, one means being inseparable. It’s having the same goals, desires, and hopes for a future together.
My husband and I discussed early on what level of income we wanted because the amount of time spent working equates to how much income we would have. We also talked about having a family, when to plan, and how many children to have. Furthermore, how did we want to spend our leisure time together?
Marriage brings about adjustments, and that means breaking habits of a single lifestyle to accommodate a lifestyle as a married couple. It is the growing together process of becoming “us” rather than remaining “you and me.” A successful marriage entails communicating and compromising.
In our fast-paced world, it’s easy to let everyday responsibilities take precedence over nurturing your relationship. Make it a priority to spend quality time together. To this day, my husband makes sure we have date night once a week on Fridays.
Takeaway
The basis of a successful marriage is derived from my first book, “Marriage: The 51% Solution.” It is presented as a story featuring a grandmother’s loving wisdom. The concept for the title is as follows.
My, how quickly the years have gone by. I am excited to celebrate my 53rd wedding anniversary on June 9, 2025, with many happy and fond memories of a timeless love.
