The Underwire in Your Bra Is Keeping You From Winning In Life

A stomach tightening conspiracy theory

Photo by Anna Shvets:

A conspiracy theory I am convinced about is that society keeps women mildly to savagely uncomfortable at all times so as to keep them from winning.

PS. This is a rant, so I have decided to forego good sense punctuation. The world doesn’t deserve full stops when it comes to this tirade, period.

I think it’s sadistic the amount of skin torture a woman has to go through in daily life.

At the start of any given day, you’re wearing a fit of:

• An itchy bra that is somehow simultaneously a band size too small and a cup size too big because you’re a vain fool that got hoodwinked by the sales lady at VS into thinking you might just have had a random growth spurt in your late twenties so you snagged the last of the underwire and padding that is allegedly going to shape your breasts into tasteful circles as opposed to saggy water balloons
• The RIP-into-your-flesh-as-you-sashay pair of high-waist skinny jeans, which you hope forms a tight hot band around your midriff so the food you ate last night doesn’t bob up even on accident giving you a slightly pained expression in all your brunch photos, and the waist cupcakes you’ve been growing so effortlessly regardless…