How to Befriend a Stranger
Father’s Day is here and so is mine this year
I got in the car with my father for the first time since I was seven.
I was 19-years-old when this took place in March of this year. It felt strange, almost as if I were getting in the car with someone who pulled over to the side of the road because I wanted to hitchhike. I couldn’t quite grasp what I was doing in the first place, why I was even sitting in the passenger seat next to a man I didn’t know at all. Despite this, he was giddy; smiling very hard to the point wrinkles appeared all over his face. Had it been that long to the point his age was starting to show?
I smiled back, out of caution, and peered in the backseat. His wife and baby daughter were staring at me. All that ran through my head was that I could easily unlock the door and bolt out of the car. After all, I didn’t need to have an explanation for my departure; it was obvious that this was an awkward moment. Yet, I stayed; I stayed in the car and buckled my seatbelt to prepare for a five-hour drive back to their home.
Five hours dragged on, though I knew this would be the case. How was I to prepare? I’m not sure, but somehow I persevered. My father’s an introvert, I later discovered, and his wife is an extreme extrovert, bringing comfort to avoid awkward silence. However, while she was sleeping in the back seat, what was I to do? I had to come up with something fast.
A reminder for those in this situation: you have the chance to choose what you’d like to do. You don’t have to go through with something if you have second thoughts; always show up for yourself and never add pressure to your being.
1.Don’t try to force conversation:
This was difficult in the beginning since I didn’t know what to ask the man sitting next to me. At first, I would ask if they got enough sleep the night prior and gas to last us quite a while. My father would peer over at me and laugh; I assume he knew I was trying to make conversation. DO NOT DO THIS, it’ll only add more pressure and awkwardness in order to keep the conversation from becoming dead.
2.Ask them about themselves:
This should go without saying, but get to know the person. If you’ve surpassed the need to constantly have a conversation, then you’re on the right track. I would find myself, during our drive in the countryside, staring out the window. I wasn’t sure what I was attempting to find, but when I did find something—a tree by itself in a field of grass, mountains in the foggy distance, etc—I would take a picture. He would notice what I was doing and try to help out by either telling me when was the right time to take a picture to avoid the pole lines or pointing out random nature features I missed. This was the development of a conversation, and I took the opportunity. I asked him if he liked photography, leading to an extensive discussion. This would further my knowledge of who he was by engaging in conversation instead of observing from a social distance.
3.Allow for the silence to seep in:
When all else fails, be silent. Not quiet, but silent. I recall seeing a statement that tied into Buddhism saying,
“A meaningful silence is better than meaningless words.”
I believe this to be true because in every case, not just with mine, silence is one of the most powerful things to witness and possess. Silence allows for all that was said to be absorbed and all that will be said to be of meaning. All that will be said is caused by giving our minds time to think and not impulsively act. An by Caroline Maguire states that, “Silence allows us to listen better and focus on what the other person is saying, verbally and non-verbally. Being silent can allow both of you to better understand the conflict and reach a resolution faster” (2023). The conflict, in my case, was that my father and I didn’t have a relationship; thus leading to us not knowing how to act around each other physically. We had plenty of conversations in the prior months, but these conversations were over the phone. The resolution then comes to question, yet I didn’t have one at that moment. Looking back, there was no need to immediately resolve the strange relationship because it further allowed us to understand what was missing in our dynamic.
4.If they would like to go and talk somewhere private, do so (only if you feel comfortable):
There can be distractions from the environment you may be in. If this is the case, it may be difficult to get to know the stranger you’re talking to. If they suggest for you two to go talk somewhere more quiet, do so; but only if you feel comfortable. With the four of us in the car, I didn’t have much of a chance to talk to my father privately. Not to criticize my stepmother’s and their daughter’s presence, but I felt that if I wanted to build a relationship with my father that I hadn’t seen in quite some time, I needed the space to do so. He invited me to go pick up some food with him, which I immediately agreed to go. If I had said no, I don’t think I would’ve been as comfortable with my being there the days I was with them. I also don’t think my father and I would have brought each other to a vulnerable state that led to honesty and a mix of emotions that needed to be released. I cannot deny that I impulsively decided to go with him to pick up our food (do not do this), yet in the end, I was ecstatic to have that alone time: to truly get to talk to my father without anyone else around. I remember when he shared a vulnerable story that related to my childhood, I cried. I cried because I was releasing many emotions I had thought were gone that somehow showed up in that moment. I cried because I felt safe and comforted as my tears shed; him giving me a tissue and sending comforting words gave me great affirmation of where this relationship would go.
5.Do not force a relationship to last if you feel there could be a future:
“How are we gonna be when you go back home?”
My father asked me this a day before I had to depart to go back home, and I gave him an honest answer. I didn’t want to bring him comfort though I still wanted to reassure him.
“Honestly, I don’t know. I want to take our relationship one step at a time…I don’t want to set expectations for both of us to the point the pressure distances us.”
Forcing relationships does not play out the way you want it to be; it actually causes more harm than good. It subconsciously adds the need to always be there for each other because you want something to last. When something no longer serves you, don’t cling to it. Clinging onto something just because it brought you a thrill that added a spark to your life doesn’t do you justice. I’ve done this a plethora of times and I could not do that again, especially with a significant relationship. Yes, I need a father, but I shouldn’t force someone to be that for my sake. I cannot, and will not, force someone to show up for me when they know deep down they can’t.
I could tell my father, after what I said, was somewhat discouraged, yet he needed to hear that. In some way, I saw in his facial expression a sign of relief. I did not want him to think since he’s in my life, he needs to show up for me every second of the day. Give the new relationship you have formed a breather; not everything needs your air to breathe.
As of this moment, I still speak with my dad. We meet each other halfway, which is decent for me. I have come to accept that this dynamic we have built is good where it is; I don’t need more from him. I think it comes from a place of knowing there’s a part of my life that still lacks what a father is. However, the part of my life that I live now has space for the acceptance of a father figure. I used to ponder what a father was and how he should act. I have now received my answer to the infinite questions stemming from my childhood. Even as I write this, my mind is developing ways of communicating with that little girl that lacked a father.
I cannot blame him; I never did. I cannot love him as much as I love other people in my life. Love comes in different forms, yes, and I have realized this. Nevertheless, I love him for trying and giving me the space to express myself. I love him because I recall on my visit he took me back to the beach since I wasn’t able to enjoy it the first time. Honestly, it was a surprise: we were headed to the airport, and we somehow had enough time to go to another destination. When I noticed that we were headed to the beach, I announced it. He told me that since I told him that I found the beach to be a place of peace and silence, I should enjoy it without him interrupting me. I love him because he told me he’d stay on the pier and watch me as I strolled to the waves. I love him because he subconsciously threw his arms around my shoulders as we walked side by side, just like he did when I was a toddler. I love him because although time has passed and I will never get those years back, he has taught me the next level of forgiveness and has broadened my concept of relationships, meaningful relationships.
References:
Maguire, C. (2023, December 12). Managing silence in conversations. Caroline Maguire, M.Ed. | Social Skills For Kids & Adults.
