Cars

Why Won’t My Old Car Drive Itself?

The Tesla did a great job today, but my lazy old MINI Cooper wouldn’t even make an effort

My friend has both hands ready to spring into action just in case, but the car is driving itself. (Photo by Michelle Teheux)

After trying the self-driving mode in my friend’s Tesla today, I became annoyed when my old MINI Cooper wouldn’t do shit on its own. My car is lazy.

A friend needed a second driver to help him pick up a boom truck he keeps parked elsewhere. (His wealthy neighbors object to it being kept on their street, but they do like to borrow it when they need to have their gutters cleaned or their trees pruned.) On the way to pick it up, he demonstrated to me how the self-driving mode on his Tesla works.

I have to admit the Tesla’s feat impressed me.

However much I think Elon Musk is a piece of shit, I do enjoy driving my friend’s Tesla. I like it best when I’m on a straight stretch of country road with no traffic and can floor it. That’s a rush, and I’m not even a car person.

The speed was cool enough, but I had no idea the self-driving mode had advanced this far.

The Tesla is miles (and miles and miles) ahead of my MINI Cooper, which has a manual transmission and needs basically both my hands and both my feet to be on full alert every single second of…