Politics

Expert Rat Explains America’s Decline

‘You notice rats never commit mass shootings,’ he says.

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Walking down an alley last night, I saw a moving shadow from the corner of my eyes and let out a yelp.

“Pardon me, Ms. Teheux,” a quiet, rather high-pitched voice said. I looked around and saw a large gray rat step out from behind a garbage bin, a pizza crust clutched in one of his paws.

Was this rat really talking to me?

Could I be dreaming? I pinched myself. Nope.

“I suppose you’re surprised to hear me speak,” the rat said. “Not all of us can. Some of us choose not to. But I’ve heard you and your husband discussing politics many times as you’ve walked your dogs down this alley, and I finally realized you badly need my help. I’ve just been waiting for you to come by without your dogs.”

“Um, thanks, Mr. Rat,” I said. I had a little wine with dinner but not that much, I don’t think. Maybe it was the rye bread I had. Didn’t contaminated rye cause people to go on a sort of acid trip in the Middle Ages? Whatever is happening, I’m going to just go with it.

“It’s Mr. Camus to you, please. Albert Camus. Named for the guy who wrote about us, of course,” he said. His whiskers dropped…