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Some Days I Don’t Feel Like A Mom
The emptiness of motherhood after infertility and loss
The joy and bliss of becoming a mom. It sounds magical and pure. I longed for the day I would feel all motherhood's wonders. Instead, when my son was born, I didn’t feel like a mom. There was no emotional rush of instantaneous love and connection. The years of infertility and agonizing defeat hit me hard.
After 5 miscarriages, I had built up a wall to protect my heart from another crushing loss. Hope felt like a distant memory.
By the power of modern medicine — a cocktail of drugs and vitamins — I conceived naturally and carried my first child full term. Throughout the pregnancy, I flip-flopped between the unbearable fear of losing yet another baby and the extreme joy of feeling my little one move in my tummy.
At 39 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I went into labour. All signs pointed to normal and I felt excited and anxious to meet my soon-to-be-born baby. After several hard and long hours, he started to make an appearance.
Then the doctor said something that made my heart sink:
“His heart rate is dropping.”
Terror set in. Was this for real? Was I about to lose another baby, one I had managed to carry to full term? How is this happening? WTF is…
