MARRIAGE | DIVORCE | INFIDELTIES | BREAKTHROUGHS

My First Lover After Divorce Incited My Healing

I was affronted in ways I never expected

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I wasn’t faithful to my first husband during the second decade of our marriage. He wasn’t either, in other ways. If he had a lover, I didn’t know. But my gut tells me stories he never had the courage to tell. He had secrets, lots of secrets. But I’m not playing tit-for-tat here.

Decades later, I still visit places of uncertainty. So much healing, and the words ‘if only’ are still a part of my vocabulary. Although now those words don’t feel prickly. I can say them without accusation, without slicing myself in half to fill my wounds with salt and lemon juice. Now, they reflect off calm water, just a slight ripple in my fabric. That’s progress.

He wrote me a letter once — my ex-husband, George. I still remember holding it and the tremor in my hands making the page flutter as if I were reading it outside in the spring breeze. He used to leave love notes under my pillow, silly things that would make me smile, loving words that would melt my heart. Not enough, apparently.

George loathed confrontation of any kind. He just didn’t do it. He would kiss the…