Every Issue In Your Life Is A Reflection Of What You Need
Start paying attention
Underlying every problem, every source of frustration, every personal trait you might perceive as a “flaw”, is a need. The concept of personal needs is one that our hyper-active, productivity-obsessed society fails to give a sufficient amount of attention. Instead, we are bred with the maladaptive habit of mistaking our needs for “weaknesses” and “shortcomings” that must be conquered.
Why do we neglect our needs?
Not all needs are universal
I have a tendency to feel overwhelmed and burnt out at a much lower threshold than other people seem to. For the longest time, I felt exasperation towards myself for what I conceptualized as an inability to handle simple daily activities.
It turned out I just require more introversion time than the average person.
It’s easy to recognize universal needs because we see others express them and are taught how to satisfy them. Ideally, our families cared for our basic needs when we were children (abusive and neglectful upbringings may be one reason many of us struggle to acknowledge and take care of our needs). The world has taught us what humans need and how to react when these needs are unmet.
When we have needs that others don’t, we often assume we’re lacking.
The tendency to self-deprecate
People have expectations of us and when we don’t meet them, the most accessible conclusion in the moment is often that we have failed as a result of personal shortcomings. It’s no different when it comes to societal expectations: the pressure to conform often weighs heavily on us, especially when we are running particularly low on self-confidence.
When we don’t receive acceptance and approval (whether from ourselves or others), we immediately assume that something is wrong and we need to fix ourselves, rather than striving to take better care of ourselves.
Perhaps you’ve been taught to suppress your needs or maybe you don’t value yourself enough to acknowledge that you have needs. Whatever the root cause may be, practice altering your focus when issues arise in your life.
The golden question
When things go wrong, ask yourself: what do I need? This will lead to a higher level of self-awareness, less self-deprecation and, more personal fulfillment.
That being said, this isn’t a free pass to make everything about you and your needs.
I often struggle when people initiate big conversations that implicate me — relationship issues, parental observations about my current path in life etc. I find it difficult to engage and often withdraw completely. What do I need? Time to process information and emotions before responding. Acknowledgement of this need doesn’t enable me to avoid the conversations completely. It’s all about adjustments.
When big conversations are initiated I will often ask whether I can take some time to process, before responding. This might be during a few moments of silence, during a quick walk alone or, even during a full day apart from the person.
What can you do to honour both your needs and the needs of others?
Action plan
- Write a list of your needs, followed by a feasible plan of how you can meet them every day. If there are certain situations during which you consistently find it difficult to meet your needs, take special note of this and remember your plan! What changes do you notice when you begin to take care of your needs on a more frequent basis? Needs are often recurring and you may find that many of the issues in your life are related to the same unmet need.
- Focus on what YOU can do, rather than expecting others to meet your needs. Although important to seek support, we are ultimately responsible for ourselves. True wellness is difficult to achieve if one leaves it to chance by relying on external sources. It is also not fair to those in our lives, who are simultaneously striving to meet their own needs! Reach out for support but don’t expect those around you to meet your every need.
- Be honest with yourself about what you need. What value comes from ignoring or misrepresenting your needs and living as though you’re someone you’re not? Observe, rather than judge.
Taking care of yourself won’t resolve elements of tension in your life but it will ensure that you navigate them with a clearer head and enjoy a state of wellness on a more regular basis.
There’s nothing wrong with you—you just need to take better care of yourself:)
